It is time

It is that time again. It is time for another heart surgery. There have been plenty of things that I have used to purposefully hold myself back. I have been so fearful of letting go of the person that I am for fear that people might not accept who I am. I guess because I have been able to hide my heart behind this magical act that I have no feelings and that I am tough so don’t mess with me! It has been a subconscious defense mechanism. Before anyone could even have a chance to hurt me I am surrounded by layers and layers of walls that have snipers at every square inch armed and ready to shoot down any intruder. But it is all simply an act. When you look at the other side of the wall you will see that they are all just cut out stage props. The only thing is most people get so turned off by the sight of the armed walls that they never see that it is all just a set up.

            So now what? Where can I possibly go from here? To tear these false images down that have built a sense of security for so many years is one of the most terrifying and vulnerable things that we can do. Or at least it is for me. I am terrified to show the world who I am. It doesn’t help that ideas such as “not everyone deserves to know all of you” have been planted in me from such an early age. Not to mention all of the observed behavior of people not showing all of themselves to all of those that surrounded them. There is still a fear that taking this step would be loosing who I am. I just am not so sure of whom I will be if I let go of this tough image. I felt like I have always had to be strong, yet I don’t know how to be soft and strong at the same time. It seems like a major contradiction.

            Although, this weekend during our school retreat among the many things the Lord did in me and said to me one of the greatest things that He told me was concerning my personality. I have begun to understand that I was created in God’s image as far my heart, but what I had not put together was that God put together my personality. This weekend during one of the speakers the Lord began to show me first of all that he has specifically put together my personality. Then as they were talking about how when we press into the Lord then community just falls into place, well I believe the same is true for our personalities. As I have struggled with these past two weeks of understanding how to get reconnected on campus I have been looking to see what was wrong with me or with what the Lord was trying to show me. I think that it has finally hit. If I try to create a sense of community by trying to be part of the community by my own strength then I will continue to lose touch and my sense of community will fall apart. Yet, it is when I press into the Lord and seek after His heart that my own personality begins to come out because the Lord has made me so essentially the more I learn about whom He is the more I will learn about myself and ultimately will develop into my own personality.

            It is hard to know if my tough girl attitude is from the Lord or not because the Lord is not just one way or the other. Sometimes God is black. Other times he is white. And yet other times he is gray. There is no real way to know whether this personality of mine was what God had intended me to become or if my circumstances gave me the choice to be this tough daughter. What I do know is that He has been breaking me down an awful lot. I can’t say that my life is anything like Job’s but sometimes it feels like it is one challenge right after another.

            Lord, I lay myself down at your feet. Take from me what is not of your original intent for my personality. Show me what it is that you are trying to do in me, and show me the vision of where you are trying to take me to. Bring down the props that have kept people out and remove the fear of being hurt. Help me to understand that at the end of the day you are all that matters, and that if other people are not willing to accept me that is not for me to fret about because I am a daughter of the King most high and I am not to settle or change for anyone other than you. Don’t let me settle for anything less than you and your love. Thank you Jesus for your unconditional love that can come from no one else but you. Continue to lead me on your path Jesus.

I pray all of this in Jesus Name.

Amen.

...

Lord lead me.
Because I am a big mess.
I can't do this alone.
My insides are in chaos.
I don't know what to do.
Show me your way Lord.
Lead me back to you.
I want to be found.

Lessons of New Orleans- My letter to the Pastors

There are events in our life that seem to change the course of our lives. Our life changing moments can be as big as the mountains or as subtle as a soft breeze. As these moments come together through out our lives we can God’s original intent for our lives. New Orleans was one of my life defining experiences.

As I spent two months in New Orleans I went through some of my most difficult challenges with myself. Once again I thought that I had figured God out. I had come to New Orleans thinking that I knew how this internship was going to work. Well I am sure God had a good laugh at that. God had other plans for me. There had been things in my heart that I was just willing to bury deep down and not deal with it, but in order to move on to the next step it was time to deal with my heart.

            Immediately upon arrival I was tested and stretched. I had never thought that I would miss my family as much as I did in the time that I was in New Orleans. Even though I missed them terribly after being home I wonder if the longing I had for them was more about the comfort and familiarity that they brought. I love them and have a deeper appreciation for them now, but in a city of the unknown nothing sounds better than going back to what you know. I knew going through with this trip would be preparing me for something that is yet to come. Being back at home has showed me that with God I really can be anywhere and go through anything because He is the one that carries me through it. At the end of every day my parents weren’t there, nor friends or family that had guided me though other life challenges. It was only me and God on this adventure. When I turned to Him or when I didn’t He was still the only one that was there walking through this journey with me. So even when it hurts, it’s hard and I really have no idea why I am in whatever new place; New Orleans will always be a testimony to myself that God will get me through anything and He is the only one that will never leave me. If that had been the only lesson that I walked away with from this trip it would have all been worth it.

            The amazing thing about God is that that was not the only thing that I learned! Going back through some of my notes I have seen so many more revelations than I thought that I had. I could probably write a book on how much I have learned, but for time and space I will share the things that the Lord emphasized. During my time at Household of Faith the Lord convicted me of forgiveness. He showed me how my forgiveness in the past had been shallow and that I was still holding on to so much pain. I also was shown how I have been a blessing stopper. I had never realized until then that a blessing is about benefiting me for only a moment, while that blessing really is supposed to move toward others that need to be blessed. It is something that I am still learning to live out.

            While being at Cornerstone Christian Center I saw that I need to make sure that who I am in ministry starts with who I am in my family. I cannot go and love other people’s families with out loving my own first. For a while now I believed that my family knew who I was and so it was ok that my attitude would slip more often than not. Now that I have seen that I need to be the same person all the way around. Our lives are not shows to put on for the world.

            At Crossroads I was challenged to find out who I am in Christ. This was probably one of my biggest challenges. It has been hard to accept the person that God created and chose. The truth is that regardless of the person I believe that I am I was chosen with no real explanation except for the fact that I am a mess. God seems to have a sense of humor because He likes to use one mess to clean up another, and even though it seems to make no logical sense to us it has worked every time.

            River of Life taught me to see people with the love of God. It is so easy to see people with our eyes which can cause us to miss great opportunities for God to work. It isn’t until we put God’s glasses on that we can love people the way He does. Unconditional. With out limits or requirements. Just love.

            In one very orchestrated by God afternoon I learned about the importance of relationships as well as the importance of reaching other nations. These are two subjects that I have always held close to my heart, which left me encouraged seeing a working example.

            Working through Kingdom Builders Ministry taught me about discipline. Often times I prefer to let things just happen because our plans never seem to work out anyway. Structure and order bring us closer to God because that is who He is. I have been far too comfortable allowing my life to be lived in chaos which tends to keep me away from God. The more disciplined that I became this summer the closer and deeper I felt toward God. It is definitely something I need to learn to keep practicing instead of letting just anything happen.

            These lessons flowed through each ministry that I worked with, however they came to life at these particular times. It really is hard to believe that the committee didn’t plan the flow and themes I came across this summer, but I guess that is what makes this experience so much more beautiful to me. Thank you each for your time and willingness to invest in my life. This experience will be something that I will be able to hold in my heart for the rest of my life. I love every one of you dearly. I am missing my New Orleans family already! 

Ephesians- In Christ

I am currently wrapping up my time at Crossroads Church with Pastor Jim Woodard. We had V.B.S this week and honestly it has been the easiest transition in since I have been here in New Orleans. It could have been that I have also seen them a few times prior to coming to help at their church, but what ever the reason it has been a good week. Last Sunday I attended church at Crossroads, and Pastor Jim was talking about how if we don't let go of the baggage and feeling of unworthiness we will never see God's will for our lives. This is something that I have greatly struggled with. I feel like I keep taking all the right steps toward this, but somehow I have managed to sneak my luggage in right behind me. When Pastor Jim said that we could miss out on the call of our lives it really got to me. I sat there in my seat as he continued and began a war inside of me. Will I continue to hold on to this baggage? Will I truly let this keep back? Then it switched. Is it really even worth going through? If I begin letting go of this junk it is only going to lead to more hard times. Is this life really worth moving forward and being  in God's will? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life doing this? Because I have already seen that this is a painful road. I could have died in that moment realizing these thoughts were crossing my mind. I knew in that moment I need more help than I thought.
 I went up to Pastor Jim and explained this battle. He told me it needed to be a mental choice and that I can't depend on emotion. Ok I have heard that before I need a little more to go off than that. He went on and told me two things that for the first time sunk in. First, I am not secure in my identity in Christ because then it would not be such a struggle to leave the past behind. Second, it is not about me. I might have heard something along the lines of the first one, but the second one was something that has been said so often that I think I became numb to it.  It is not about me. At first it was like well duh! I wouldn't be here in New Orleans if that were the case, but after we were done talking it began to sink in. All of this really isn't about me. Now I would love to say that this phrase got me out of my comfort box right away, but of course it didn't. Although, it has been a phrase that I continue to tell myself when I am faced in challenging situations.
 Well of course the chat was not the end of it. Pastor Jim gave me a homework assignment for this week. I was to read Ephesians 1-3 everyday and find all the "in Christ" statements that I could so that I could better understand who I am in Christ. Well I started the assignment by taking a chapter a day and pulling it apart. After the third day I saw that a had a few revelations, but I felt like I was still missing the point. So I decided to read it all as one. So I read through it once and didn't get much out of it. It wasn't until last night that I found something that just hit me so hard. Now understand this is the best way for my mind to comprehend it.  And this is what I received.
  Ephesians 1:17-19 was what stopped me but the focus is on verse 18 and a little of 19.
"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe..."
As I have been going through Ephesians 1-3 this verse really hit me today. As I have been reading I guess I was never sure what I was looking for, but I think tonight I found it. God has put a call on my life, and not as a career path. Rather He has called me to be the daughter that he has created me to be. When I feed into my insecurities and the self-hatred and mutilation I am calling God a liar. I am saying that He doesn't know who I am, and continue to proceed to correct God and put him in His place. It is as if I deny Jesus altogether because if I deny Jesus in one area and am calling Him a liar how can he be God? It would be like degrading Him to human status. When I refuse to receive who He says I am I am refusing the position that He called me to fill. My call is to be God's daughter, to love the temple (body) that He gave me, and to serve Him with my whole heart. If I cannot accept who He has made me how can I accept Him? When I don't accept myself I am telling God " you did a shitty job here let me do it because you obviously don't know what you are doing." Not accepting myself is not accepting Christ because Christ lives inside of me. I am called to be Bianca Vianei Brodbeck and to the fullest extent of that meaning.
I am...
beautiful
kind
gentle
strong
loving
passionate
faithful
caring
compassionate
emotional
encouraging
merciful
forgiving
weak
human.

need a grip on reality

I had the strangest experience last night. Reality has been a little delayed and turned about since I have been here in New Orleans. It took me almost a month to truly realize that I was in New Orleans and that I was states away from being home. Then last night I tried thinking about when I go home, and the idea was almost surreal. I felt like somewhere along the way this became my reality and there was almost no real idea of going home. It was the strangest feeling, and I don't know why or how it happened. I felt a little trapped but not to the point where I would panic.The strangest part to this is that I am dying to be home, but I just can't picture it anymore. I don't know if that is because I have been going through such different experiences that home will never be the same as it once was. I truly don't know where it came from or why, but it really gave me just an odd feeling. Oh but how some days i am counting down until I return home. I must be honest I have been under some great conditions, only there is a longing of my home that i can't get over.
Well I have come across another lesson since this week. I have learned that I do not want to be a Pastor or the wife of one. I already had an idea of that, although this week confirmed it. It was just engraved even deeper that I don't want to do things the typical way. I want to be able to create and do things the way that I was made to. Don't get me wrong I think Pastors are phenomenal people I just don't believe that I am called to do be it. I also learned in this last month that I want to make sure that the person I am when I am ministering is the same person when I get home. I think to often I can just pass it off as if my family knows all of me and have to accept the good, the bad and the ugly. It just shouldn't be that they get the short end of the stick. I want people to be able to come into my home and see the same person they would out on the streets sharing the love of God. Now there will always be those days where it is just one of those days, yet those should not be a regular occurrence. I want to stand for what I believe in all the way around. I think that is all for this lazy morning ramble.

Both sides have arrived for battle this morning

Yesterday I was asked a simple question, "what do you want?" The question was delivered casually and had no hidden message. But as simple as this question was able to come out somehow as it enter in through one ear it became the most complicated question I have ever heard. Now this question was directed toward what kind of neighborhood I would want to live in when I grow up, but somehow this question must have already been on my heart. What do I want? Is the fact that I can't answer this question the reason why I have had such a hard time understanding why I am on this internship? I have no clue of what I want. So many great ideas come into my mind of things that I want to do, but so often they are contradicting.
There is constantly two things that I wan't but somehow they are always at a disagreement with one another. I want to see the world, but I don't want to leave my home. I want to live in nature, but I want to have technology. I want to swim, but I don't want to get my hair wet and have to do it over again! Okay so the last example is silly , but i feel like this is what my heart is constantly have to go through. I feel like I have two little kids inside of me that want completely different things and if I choose one I sacrifice the other. This is a very unhappy game to be playing because someone always gets the short end of the stick, and somehow it still is me that makes looses out on something. I want to live a quiet peaceful life, but i love the thrill of a busy lifestyle. I hate stress and thrive on it at the same time! I feel like I could have multiple desire personalities. (*side note- there are no voices in my head. Just thought that I should be clear on that before I move on.) I just don't know what to do with my life. And I know I am young and everyone says we have the rest of our lives to figure it out, but I greatly believe that your decisions today shape your life tomorrow and the life that you will lead. Yes, there is always those situations where something happens and your whole life gets turned around, but I would rather know what I am working for. The more I get closer to what I think I want the more I begin to realize that it is not really what I wanted. I feel like I keep chasing the illusion of an oasis in the middle of a desert, but every time I reach it the oasis changes and is in a different direction. I feel more lost now than ever. I want to live a simple life, but love the thrill of the city. Lord have mercy on the man that decides to marry me because he will definitely need it to think he can even keep up. There is a darn good reason why guys think that women are crazy and don't know what they want, and I am a perfect example. Every other post I am loving this trip and I am higher than I have ever been, and the ones in between are complete confusion and turmoil. I feel like I take two steps forward and five steps back every time. How the heck can I ever make it out of this? I feel like I am waging war against myself. With both sides hashing out everything they've got. Both sides are winning, yet both sides loose. I don't get it. I just feel like an absolute mess right now.

Dreamer's eyes

When we can't see what we are worth it is hard to imagine that the things we do are of worth. Sometimes it can be hard to see the forest as you are walking among the trees. I do believe that I can make things to be smaller than they seem simply because I can't see how I can be used in a big way. So in order to wrap my mind around it I need to shrink it, but the problem there is that when I make it out to be small to understand it I tend to leave it there. Now there is a danger in that because the smaller I keep the less it is able to grow. It is as if chains have been wrapped around the bud of a flower not allowing it bloom fully. The petals are pushing and fighting but the chain just tightens until finally the petals just give up and stay half developed.

Yesterday I spent time with Marla Jean and I was giving her updates on what I had been experiencing. I was telling her how this thought of not being able to understand why I was here kept haunting me. Now I don't know how the next part was supposed to help my argument, but I told her how I taught the last two days when I was at HOF. One was on worship and the other was on purpose. For what ever reason I began talking about the lesson and how I told the kids that sometimes things happen in our life that we don't seem to understand but that it plays out in our lives later on. As I started that sentence I wished I could take it back because the very point that I was trying to get across to the kids was the same lesson that I needed to learn. I guess I never saw this trip as being that big of  a deal. I never really thought that it was going to change me. I just thought that it was an opportunity to get away from the familiar for a couple of months. I guess I thought that this was going to be more fun and games than to be a real opportunity for God to work in and threw me.

So all of this coming to say that once again I can see why I am here. I had another what would be a bathroom revelation. *note- more and more of my revelations are when i am getting ready in the bathroom.* It was as if a light bulb went off and for the first time I started putting together the different dots that are forming this trip. Yes a huge part of this trip is to grow, but I am being put in front of some amazing people that can give me some fantastic advice for this merging dream that has become clear to me since I have been here. It has also showed me how things that I thought were different dreams have intertwined and are working together as one dream rather than two separate dreams. Seeing this has brought so much comfort this morning. It has also showed me that in this time I have so much to take advantage of because these people that I am here with are the people  that are encouraging and help build on those dreams.

Might be to honest but i needed a release

Tonight I truly want to cry. I just don't see what I am doing here. I don't feel like I am really serving all that much. Yea it's been great for me to learn about myself, but is that really why God brought me out all of this way was to learn more about who I am? Was this really disguised as a serving opportunity to only learn about myself again? If it is I don't like the idea of it. It is hard to see how my presence is making a difference in this place. I haven't done anything grand. I've just been here. How has my being here impacted other people? It is just starting to get frustrating. There is a part of me that never wanted to come, and i feel like it is growing. There are things that I am missing or that I miss about being home, and instead I'm with someone else's family. I just don't understand sometimes. Then Pastor was talking about how this trip was bigger than I could see. Honestly I couldn't see how that could be so. How much bigger can it be than I am here learning lessons that He felt the need to bring me all of the way out here for. I am not trying to be so negative it's just a little frustrating at the present moment. I must have a blindfold on because I don't see what Pastor sees. Since switching Pastors on Saturday I have just been counting the days until it is time to switch again. Just so I can switch again and be getting ready to leave again. Whirlwind comes to mind again. Where I should be so much more confident I am totally lost. It's just a little rough right now. This could be a little to honest so for that forgive me.

One church down, three more to go!

So yesterday I made the switch between Pastor Barriere and Pastor Jimmy. This last week seemed to fly by faster than I could even keep track of. What I realized is that last Sunday after we had the get together at Pastor Barriere's house with some of the members that I knew I started to feel comfortable. I let more of my personality come out with the people around me. But it was in that moment that I felt comfortable that things sped up. I also realized that by the time that I truly felt comfortable with all of my surroundings it was time to get up and leave again. As I thought about it I realized that this is how my life will be. God didn't call me to a life of comfort He called me to a life of obedience. I have a feeling that in my life God is going to put me in different places and the moment that I begin to feel comfortable is when it will be time to move on. As I thought about this the question of school came into mind because by the end of four years how could you not be comfortable, but then I remembered that there are a lot of things that at school that I might never be comfortable with.

Even though these first two weeks were rough they were filled with lessons and realizations that I am grateful for. Although I cannot name every lesson that I have learned there are some key things that stick out.

1. I have learned that I need to be more decisive and less people pleasing. I need to learn how to say what I want and what I don't want. Sometimes it really is more pleasing to others that I have a say rather than me to try and just give them what they want.

2. Learn how to receive a blessing. It has been very hard for me to receive. I love to give, but there was almost  a sense of guilt when I received. I always felt like I would be putting people out even if they were offering. I have been told and have learned that we are blessed to be a blessing, and that God is trying to get blessings to me as well. When ever I feel like I am putting someone out or denying someone the opportunity to bless me I am stopping that blessing that should be going through me, rather than ending right before it gets to me. Me being blessed could be just what someone else needs, but I can't give what I don't have.

3. Don't clam up in new environments. This is something that is a process for me. I have realized that when I am all alone in new environments with out someone that I know well it is hard for me to be me. It is almost as if I shut down and then take all of me and stuff it inside where i can hide. There is a huge danger in that because usually it is my personality that got me in those situations and environments. Also my personality might be just what is needed and could be a blessing. This one I haven't fully worked out yet as I realized today being at Pastor Jimmy's house with all of his family here.

4. Talk to everyone you never know what they are going through. TKim (the T stands for aunt) repeated this over and over to me in the two weeks that I was with her. She told me that where ever she goes she talks to everyone because it could just be what someone needed was to hear a friendly voice. I can be a little selective about when I do this, it usually depends on my mood which i need to break out of.

5. Understand principles. Our talent will fade away but principles will continue to stand. This first started with the WOW Jam and now I understand why they work with the pastors and catering people that they do when they enter different cities. Everywhere around me I have been hearing the word principles, and it is because people have seen that this truly is the only thing that remains standing.

6. Forgive. Now this has been something that I have been working on all year. Every time that I hear someone teach on forgiveness there is always a new understanding to what forgiveness really is. It seems to get deeper yet simpler at the same time. Pastor Barriere helped me to see how easy it is to forgive when we look at our wrong and we see how Christ paid the price for all of our mistakes. Then when we look at the offenses toward us it really doesn't seem that bad. Also when we hold onto that anger we miss out on everything else God is trying to give or work through us. Forgiveness is the key to all other blessings.



8. Nerves are good. It should never be easy to teach God's word. It should continue to bring some nerves before I go up because it keeps me in sensitive to what a big deal it really is as well as an honor.

9. Be patient you don't know all that is going on. To often I am quick to respond and to often it could be an unnecessary reaction. Especially when it comes to people.

10. Have value in yourself. It is ok to value yourself and hold yourself up with out being vain. God has placed a high value on my life so why shouldn't I do the same?

These where the top ten lessons that stuck out at me in these last two weeks. Along with lessons I have realized more of my hearts desires. I have realized that is so hard for me to admit the desires of my heart when it comes to certain things. It is really hard for me to admit that with all of my heart I want to be married and during a Bible study they talked about it and how we are wired with that desire and that it is nothing to be ashamed of.
I have also realized how much I have missed working in the food industry. Oh how I can be beat tired after being up all day at the kids camp, and still make it through a six to eight hour night shift at work.

As I was talking to one of the ladies that I met here she explained that it is my way of serving people. The more I thought about the more I realized the truth in this. It is my way of being able to take care of people and share my love of food with them. So the more I have worked the more I realized that I still do want to open a restaurant or even a catering business at some point in my life. It just brings me so much joy. Along with the idea of the restaurant I have also realized that I want it to be a place that I can help with more than just food. I want to be able to help people who have been in prison and are serious about turning their life around. I would like to partner up with a prison ministry and give people the opportunity to make some money and provide for themselves. The harder they work the more responsibility and hours they would receive. There are just so many people that have made dumb mistakes or were with the wrong crowd at the wrong time and place and are forever marked by it. I want to be able to cut them a break and help them out in that way, and show them that if I can trust them they can learn to trust themselves to turn their lives around. Of course this is all just a working process, but it is in writing now. Oh Lord this is truly a desire of my heart lead me to the place and to the people that I need to meet in order to see this through.

Well six more weeks to  go. Please keep me in prayer and I will continue to write when I can. Missing home.

caught in the wind

Tomorrow I will be wrapping up my first week of my internship in New Orleans, and the same lesson keeps coming. Life is never how we picture it to be. I expected to land in New Orleans and to have the same energetic spirit that I felt when I was down here for the WOW Jam. Well I guess I didn't expect there for things to go back to business as usual. I don't really know what I expected it to be like to come back to, but my perception and reality were not on the same track.
Of course at first it seemed a little frustrating. It wasn't the way that I had pictured it. But of course just like anything God's plan is always better than anything that we can come up with. I guess I thought that I was just going to walk in and serve and everything was going to be pretty roses all in a row. Of course God thought of using my time better. Not only have I been serving, but there have been a series of events that have served on my heart.
As I am in the same city that I worked with the WOW Jam with it is easy for Stephen's voice to be ringing in my ear, "And remember be flexible." Well Stephen being flexible is a lot harder when you have to continue to be flexible everyday. I never imagined that it would be so difficult being out here and remembering to stay flexible. It has also been a real challenge trying to not know what is coming next. Most days I would find out the schedule for the next day at about 8 or 9pm and never know how I was getting back until it came time for me to leave. It is definitely stretching me. Honestly everyday I have either cried or been on the verge of crying because I just don't know how to handle this. I don't know anything about what is going to happen next, and I have had to take it just a few hours at a time. Sometimes I understand and sometimes I have no choice but to try and understand. It has seriously felt like a roller coaster of emotions simply because I can go from having a great time with the kids at camp to being at the verge of a break down. I just don't understand what is causing me to be so up and down. Is it a control issue? Is it a constant fear of the unknown? I have yet to discover what is leading me through this, but I am trying to move past it.
Now this first house that I am staying at has also taken me out of my comfort zone. I have honestly been dreading staying at this home since before I left for New Orleans. In the two months that I am going to be here in New Orleans I will be staying at four different households as I switch between churches. I have briefly met everyone that I will be staying with except for lady that is currently housing me. I knew nothing about her except for a first name. In the same day that I came to meet her I had been at the first church all day. I had met Pastor at the WOW Jam, but that was really it and Pastor was no where to be seen on day one. So all day I had been around people I had never met and then headed over to a home of someone that I knew nothing about. Honestly it was probably the hardest and most stressful day simply because I had no point of reference. Any security blanket I could of had was ripped from my hands as I begged on my knees for just a little bit of comfort. Yet all I had to cling on to was a pillow, blanket and stuffed bear from home. The first couple of days I wanted nothing more than to hide away in the room that they so generously let me stay in. It was as if I was a scared little girl curled up in a ball in the corner. I would let myself come out to play every once in a while, but it was only for a brief moment before I would run back and hide.

Everyday it has gotten a little bit better, and I am starting to get more and more excited as the days go on. It's the excitement that I was looking for before I left. I know that my thoughts are very scattered right now. I guess that I am trying to get my feet on the ground and break from this whirl wind that it seems I am in.

First weekend in New Orleans

So this has been my first weekend in New Orleans. I landed Friday afternoon and I have been staying at Marla Jean and Trent's house. Marla Jean is the city coordinator for the WOW Jams here in New Orleans. I must admit before leaving San Diego I was very scared and nervous. I realized that I was scared because this trip signifies my first step to the rest of my life. Yes, I have lived on my own for a while, I had to pay bills, and I have also gone off this last year to college on my own; but it wasn't until boarding the plane to go to a city that I barely knew to stay with people that I barely knew that I really felt like I was taking my first real step. It has been a step into adulthood, the first step into the rest of my life and more importantly a step of faith. As the days grew closer to leave I began to become more and more fearful of the unknown of this trip. Fears of the people I would be staying with, or being depended on when I felt that I really didn't have enough to give haunted me. I had let these fears take over my heart so much that I greatly considered not coming. But it was the people pleasing side in me and knowing that my ticket had already been paid for that I hesitantly got on the plane.While on the plane I wrote in my journal my fears and prayed. Soon after I was able to take a bit of a nap, and when I woke up I felt a little better.
After I woke up I felt the need to talk to the guy sitting next to me, but my own pride or fear got in the way. I kept pushing it off. The more I pushed it off the stronger my nerves grew inside of me and that was how I knew that this wasn't just random chance that we were placed next to each other. Right as my nerves were about to get the best of me I glanced over to the notebook he was studying and saw that the information was familiar to me. His name was Elijah and I casually asked him about what he was studying and from there a conversation began to arise. We started asking questions about the other person and we actually had a great conversation. It was when we got on the topic of family that I realized the reason for our encounter. Elijah's parents have been going through a rough couple of years with their health. Santos, Elijah's dad, had a heart attack two years ago and still has a high chance of getting another one. His dad has had to take it easy the past few years in order to maintain his health. Now Elijah's mom, Gloria, recently just had lung failure and is in need of a lung transplant. Gloria loves to garden and spends much of her time doing so, but the doctor ordered her to stay out of the sun. As Elijah told me about his parents it just broke my heart. This family has gone through so much in such a short amount of time. I asked him if he would give me the names of his parents and if he minded if I could continue to pray for their healing. As I asked and I watched him listen to my question for just a moment I saw his face change. It was as if I had offered him a magical pill that would make everything better. It was as if I had just done something in offering prayer. Looking back that moment was absolutely priceless. So often I am scared to offer prayer either in the moment or to let them know that I will be praying for them. Especially if they are not from school or church, but this moment was able to show me just how much people really believe in the power of prayer no matter what negative things they say about it. This family has greatly been put on my heart so if you are reading this please take a moment to pray for them. Pray for the healing and restoration of the family.
Now since actually being in New Orleans I have been trying to catch up on sleep, get adjusted to the time change and get accustomed to the heat. I have spent a lot of time getting to know Marla and Trent, as well as what many different ways Marla is involved in ministry. They are an amazing couple that are doing wonderful things for the Lord. Last night Sam and Chuck came over for dinner and it was just a blast having them. They have such an amazing story and are so lively. I think most of the night we spent it laughing. They are also doing amazing things. Sam is doing the counseling at a church, and Chuck is doing a lot of work with Catholics. They are just absolutely amazing. Today we went to church at the CrossRoads Church which is  Jim Woodard's church. I will be working with them later on in the summer. The first Sunday of every month they have what they call family day, which is a potluck and everyone hangs out and fellowships over a meal with each other. I really enjoyed the concept behind it.
Right now I sit in my room at Marla's house and I am just absolutely amazed at how God is working in so many people's lives. Almost all of the stories I have heard this weekend have been of just that. How God has lead them to things they would have never dreamed and has given them all the right connections that other wise would have never happened. It has just been so great seeing so much in such a short amount of time. I am still a little nervous about being here, but I am not as afraid anymore. I am just anxious to see what comes of this summer.

My Year in a Nutshell

It is hard to believe how fast a year has gone by. Just this time last year I thought that I was going to be going to San Diego Christian, and I thought that I wanted to be a children's or a youth pastor. It has only been my first year at Bible college and I think back to a year ago, and I know that I am not the same person I was when I started the journey of going off to Bible college. Every time that I think that I start to gain understanding in one area there i go tumbling down to a deeper level. If there is anything that I have truly come to understand in my first year it is that I truly don't know anything. There is so much to this world that I didn't even know existed and I know that there is even more that I have yet or will never have the chance to discover. But this morning as I was looking back on my pictures and the option of making a collage came up I started reflecting on the memories of this year.
Looking back I can see how the Lord has continued to guide me especially when I didn't even know that He would even want to. I think back to how my first idea was to go back to school and attend a Christian school. As I looked into San Diego Christian somehow with out hesitation I declared my major to be Biblical Studies. Why I have no idea. That was truly the Lord's doing because I seriously had no clue as to what I was getting myself into. Last summer for the first time God asked me to step out and faith and withdraw from SDCC with no back up, and only having a month before school was to start. To me it seemed like magic the way that Life Pacific worked out, but at first I did not want to go. At the time I wasn't sure why other than Bo had gone there and I didn't want to be a copy cat. I know real mature! As I continued to look into the process just took off. Everything that took me months to do for SDCC only took a week to pan out. The way people just opened up and helped in such a time of need was so amazing to me. I thought it was just because they were nice people, and they are, but God orchestrated it so that these people would be in my path at the right time. May God bless their obedient hearts.

Time drew near and it was time to move in. At that point we still hadn't figured out all of the financial aid and really didn't know how we were going to get me through school. Somehow we went in faith. As we sat with those in financial aid they were so incredibly helpful, their goal was truly to see me in school. Such amazing people! I was so intimidated by move in day to be honest. Though there was such a peace on the campus I closed up like a clam I guess for my own fears. I didn't know it then, but my roommate Charisse truly was heaven sent. It was strange it wasn't that we were necessarily best friends, but she was always there for me when I needed her, and she taught me to be me just by her being who she was. I love that girl. I would say the first few weeks were a little awkward as we began to find our friends. Luckily for me I never had to search to far. The girls in my quad became some of the closest friends that I have ever had. Each one of them so different and yet made such an incredible impact on my life. Hannah is such a strong woman and very opinionated. She taught me patience as well as learning how to hold my tongue, which has always been hard for me. She's such an amazing person and has such a strong relationship with God I love her dedication. Then there was Lauren. I admire her so much. She has one of the purest hearts that I have ever seen. She is always patient and loving, something I desperately long to be. She always sees the good and the beauty in things. Plus she is just a blast to be around. When I think of Lauren she makes me smile. She truly is a great friend. Last but not least there is Danni. Oh how Danni and I have had a year! She is so much like me it's a miracle that we stayed good friends and didn't kill each other. She put me in my place when it needed to be, and loved me for all of who I am. During first semester she was the strength that I needed in a friend, and I will be forever grateful. Because with out her I don't know that I would have made it to the second semester. God truly brought me four angels to guide me through this first year and I love every single one of them.

God truly blessed me this year by restoring my relationship with my family. For so many years there has been so much tension and stress. Having a broken family always hurt, but I never I wanted it to. I always pretended it was ok. For some reason I always felt the need to let my parents think that it was all ok

The theme for my own personal growth has been 'Our Past Does not Define Our Future.' Which was also the name of the lesson I gave when I taught a group of our high school girls for the first time. It has been a year of learning about God's love for me. It has been a year of letting go of the negative perception of myself. Most importantly finding the worth that God has placed on me and knowing that my actions are not who I am, but just mistakes I have made. Now I am not going to make it seem that I have mastered any of these concepts because I am so far from it. They are just the lessons that I am barely beginning to understand. There is so much more to be done in these areas, but knowing what I need to work on is a starting point.

I could probably write at least half of a book just on the experiences of this first year. There has been a lot of tears, laughter, love, anger, confusion, revelations and joy. I have been surrounded by amazing people all year long: mentors, friends, and father figures. God sent me life savers in the shape of people to whom I will be eternally grateful.

Thanks for an amazing year.

Center picture left to right:me, Charisse, Hannah, Lauren, and Danni

My trip to New Orleans

Landing in New Orleans airport I was a little hesitant. What on earth was I doing here? There were so many fears that were running through my mind, and I could not gain control of them. Taking our first step it instantly smelt differently and it was humid. We piled into a van and started driving. Everything was so different that I felt like I was in a dream. For the first time I was lost. I had no idea where I was or how to get back in case of anything. Everything was so new that I couldn’t keep track of the path we were on. For the first time in a long time I had to completely depend on the leaders of this trip because I had not the slightest clue as to where to go.

            We went out to breakfast and could not have been more tired from the plane ride where I got very little sleep. I still wasn’t sure about how I felt about being in New Orleans. After breakfast we went to the hotel to check in and there was a delay in getting our room. By the time we were able to lie down we had enough time for maybe a two hour nap. We woke up and got ready for dinner and went over to Pastor Jimmy and Francine’s house. We met all the pastors that were part of the comity for the Wow Jam in New Orleans, and then we had dinner. Dinner was incredible. The food was absolutely amazing there was just so much flavor in everything. After dinner they took us on our surprise outing to go on a horse carriage ride through the French Quarter and eat Beignets. As we were on the carriage ride you can feel the brokenness. We went through Bourbon St. and my spirit began to take a plunge. There was something about it that just drained me. There were Voodoo shops, bars, and strip clubs. Most of the buildings were supposedly haunted, and it wouldn’t be surprised if spirits did live in the upper stories of the building. There was apparently a huge fire that had happen many years ago and people were trapped at the top of these buildings and had the choice to either burn or to try jumping out. Many people lost their lives that day. So now there are many buildings that the top floors remain vacant. What surprised me the most was that there were people giving haunted tours. The tours didn’t bother me but it was the tour guide that had so much passion for the houses being haunted. You could feel the demonic spirits flowing through some of them. There was walkway in front of a church that had palm readers and tarot cards. This city was so broken and you could feel it.

            The next day we went over to pastor Jimmy’s church and had our first session, which was basically a teaching that we would have once a day by different pastors from the partnering churches. We then went to Household of Faith with Pastor Barriere to have our kick off rally. Their worship team came out and led us in southern soul worship. It was absolutely amazing! Then Dr. Flores shared a word with us, and we just watched how people would pull on the speaker encouraging and feeding back into them. It was powerful because it would give the speaker strength and motivation to keep going and to continue to let the Holy Spirit minister. That was one of the key principles that I can say that I am taking away. Stephen talks about key principals all the time so I’ll be sure to point them out as I go along.

            Sunday morning we left the hotel around 7am and went out to the park to begin setting up. There was news cast that wanted to come and film the crew setting up, and get some interviews in. As we were setting up Dr. Flores was called for an interview. They asked to have some students around him and I was one of them. After the interview they wanted an interview of a student and they chose me. After setting up we went to Household of Faith for service, and Pastor Barriere just brought it home. He spoke on how God wants to bless us, but most of the time we don’t make ourselves available to Him. We make ourselves so busy that we don’t find our giftings, we don’t serve in the church and we never see the fruit that God is trying to flow through our lives. * note- key principal* after service we headed back to the park preparing for volunteers that were starting to flow in. One o’clock and WOW Jam has just started. Let me break down a Wow Jam. Basically it is a free event where people can come and get food, get there hair cut, face painting and other kid activities, free groceries for families, hang out in a safe environment and most importantly they hear the Good News. At first there weren’t a whole lot of people that were coming. The booths are only open for a small period of time and then the rest of the time everyone’s attention is on the stage for raffles, games and the message. When the booths starting tearing down you began to see many people coming to the front of the stage curious to see what was to come. Key principal- Stephen has been teaching us about being finely tuned to the Holy Spirit, and just in the middle of the daddy push up contest the atmosphere shifted. It was time to go to work. Stephen started ministering and people started listening and crying. Then within seconds people were receiving the Lord. I was in front and had a group of three kids Keyo 5, Christina7, and Christopher 9. Christopher and Christina’s other brother Israel, the youngest of them, joined us after. I could see such an anointing on Keyo’s life. They were all so sure of their decision, and in that moment I thought that life couldn’t get any better. Quickly I was reminded about crabs. Now hear me out. You never have to put a lid on a pit of boiling crabs because if one tries to escape the ones in the water will reach out and drag them back into the boiling water. New Orleans is a pot of boiling water full of many crabs that keep the one’s who try to do better down in the water. All four of the kids had made the decision to be baptized, but both of the moms said no. When Keyo found out that his mom said no he began to weep. There is a difference between a kid crying and throwing a tantrum and a kid weeping. He knew in his heart that this was the right thing, but people were standing in his way I saw him a little bit later and I asked if he was ok, and Keyo just began to cry. I hugged him and assured him that he would have another opportunity and told him that I loved him About 150 people received the Lord that day. I never thought that I could be apart of something so amazing.

            The next day we passed out flyers for the next WOW Jam that would be on Tuesday. Then the rest of the evening we spent time making phone calls trying to go and do home visits. There was not much success, but we called everyone that had accepted Christ to encourage them. Tuesday came and it was time for the second WOW Jam. We began setting up the tents but the weather began to fight us. The wind picked up and tried taking the tents with them. Finally after nailing the tents into the grass things started to go smoothly. It seemed that this was the easy WOW Jam that we had experienced. Things were flowing and people were having a great time. During the singing competition people began to let their guard down and it was time to go to work. There was an eight year old boy who sang “Eye on the Sparrow.” It’s an old worship song and honestly I don’t know how it goes, but I do know that a lot of people were touched by not only this young boy’s talent, but by the words of the song. Stephen had the boy sing it again and people began to break down. Stephen began to share the good news, and that day we had more people saved than at any of the other WOW Jams. When it came time to get into groups and pray I had three families in my group. The first the son was receiving the Lord and his mom and sister were there. The next family was the Bradfords. It was Connie and Kenneth Bradford who were young grandparents. The last family would not open up to me. After praying the Bradfords accepted my invitation of coming back the next day and praying with them. It was quickly arranged and the next day Nathan, Rebecca Siarra, and I went to visit them. Three of the grandkids were saved and baptized the night before, and so we were explaining what it all meant. Good thing that it was a team effort because it was the first time I had ever had to explain baptism or salvation to anyone. So we were able to bounce off each other and give different perspectives to them about why their decision was so great. As we were getting ready to leave Kenneth pulled Nathan aside outside and thanked us for coming. Kenneth went on to explain how that had been the first time that the whole family was in the same room since they had moved in there, and that he knew that God was there at the WOW Jam. It was amazing to hear when we got back in the van and headed back to the church.

            The next day was our day off. We spent it in the French Quarter shopping and just walking around. We walked down Bourbon St and my spirit was drained. We passed bar after bar and the further we went the darker it got. We saw Voodoo shops and strip clubs, and it was just a dark place even though it was still midday. When we got off that street I felt that I had trouble breathing. I just felt brought down for a while. Danni came and prayed for me and I felt better for a while, but the whole rest of the day was just off. At the end of the day on the way back to the hotel we were talking about dark spirits and them sticking to you, and Nathan led us I prayer just in case. It wasn’t until after this that I felt released from the funk that I had been in and was able to be myself again.

            Friday was the day of the last WOW Jam and this one was in Algiers. This was a very hard city. From what we heard there was probably sex offenders, drug dealers, gang members, crack addicts, and prostitutes at this WOW Jam. From the beginning we could sense a difference in the feel of the place. As the WOW Jam went on we kept hitting a spiritual wall. The enemy was not happy that we were there. Rose came up to us and told us that we really needed to be walking around and praying, but a small group of us went behind the truck and began to pray. We went back out and things hadn’t lifted. Tony came over and said for us to round up all the students that we could and to meet in the back of the truck to pray. This time there was about ten of us along with Robert and Dee Dee, as well as Titus from our catering company. We just prayed out hearts out for maybe five or ten minutes. We went back around to the front and within a few minutes it started to shift, but it started with a lady having a seizure. Stephen took a hold of the moment, and though there were people tending to the lady he began take a hold of the crowd. We later found out that it was not a seizure, but an overdose on pills. Within a few minutes of that happening another lady fell into what we thought was another seizure. As Stephen really grabbed the crowd back Rose went and began to assist the second lady. This was not a seizure either. The lady was under a spiritual attack and had been taken over by a demonic spirit. When Rose realized what was happening she began praying against it, and though it put up a fight it finally left her. During all of this my heart is just broken now. What was I supposed to do? I felt like God did not want me to move from the spot that I was in. I soon found out why. God wanted me there for Armeshia. Armeshia had been crying into her friends arm for a while as Stephen had been preaching. I finally walked over and began to pray over her, and I just held her. She suddenly walked away. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if to follow her or to stay for the altar call which was about to happen. I decided to go after her. I asked why she had left, and she told me she needed to walk away in order to stop crying. I told her it was ok to cry and that my shoulder was made for tears. She cried in my arms and managed to tell me that she had been living the wrong lifestyle since her grandma died two years ago. It was then that I was given the opportunity to share my story and how God has redeemed my life. At first I was nervous because I had never told my story to strangers; it was always with people that I had already trusted as friends. She looked at me and was able to understand that God would be able to change her life to. The next day I met with her again and found out that she had been living the gay lifestyle since her grandmother died. She brought her best friend with her who was also gay and between Nathan, Brian, and I we were able to spend time loving them. It was hard to even know what to say when she has told me how so many believers have condemned her and told her she was going to burn in hell. I had never faced homosexuality as a believer, but we were able to open them up to the love of God and His restoration. Since then I have remained in contact with Armeshia we deal through the struggles of life together.

            This trip was an eye opening experience. God has since been teaching me the value of a soul, and how hard we must fight not only to get one but to keep it. These were just a few stories of what happened in those ten days time. So many amazing things happened, and God used me in a way that I could never have imagined. It has always been hard for me to pray for people because I never thought I said the right thing. God transformed that. I never thought that I would be able to walk with them as they are discovering God, and to be a witness as He transforms their lives. I thought a lot of negative things about my own unworthiness, and since then God has been showing me how desperately He needs that to change in order for Him to be able to continue to use me. Today I am here before you ruined in by all measures to ever let myself be the same as I once was. God has showed me a new level of deep to explore even further for the ministry that He is currently preparing me for.

WOW JAM #1

Today we had our first WOW JAM. There were so many people there. It was the most amazing thing when we did the altar call to see how many people gave there life to the Lord today. After they gave their life to Christ we got in groups of 3-4. I was up in front and I got to pray for three little kids. There was Keyo(age5), Christopher (age9), and Christina (age 7). I got to pray over them and they had all committed to being baptized. As I was walking them over to the pool their other brother came over and said he didn't get a Bible and that he had given his life to God. His name was Israel. After getting him a Bible I was walking them all over to the pool and the mother of the three siblings came over and grabbed them. They said they were going to get baptized and she said no. The aunt of Keyo came over and told me that she needed to call his mom before he could to make sure that it was ok. His mom said no. The four kids were told that they couldn't be baptized. Keyo began crying so hard it broke my heart. I saw him a little bit later and asked him how he was doing and he started crying again. All I could say was that it would be ok and that he would have a chance to do it again some other time, to keep Jesus in his heart and that I loved him. He walked away and I was just so frustrated. Why were these kids families not being supported? It's the kids decision! Then during dinner it hit me. I am blessed. The people in my church they are blessed. The people on this team on this missions trip they are blessed. We have all been blessed with supportive families that allow us to believe what we believe. It is not always like that. More often than not people have to go through heck and back when the accept Jesus, and for so many of us it has just been a cake walk accepting the Lord. Not that any one has had any easy road, it's just been easier to be a follower of Christ. Remember that the next time you are hesitant to share your faith because you are free to do so, where as many in the world will die for the Name of the Lord. If you are reading this I ask that you pray over the people that are being brought to God's kingdom because of these WOW JAMS, but please in particular pray for these kids who have had the anointing of God placed upon their lives. Today the heavens rejoiced when they were saved and hell became so afraid that the enemy messed with the only thing he could which was their mother. Please remember how blessed you truly are. My favorite quote so far: "Live your life like someone else's depends on it because it does."-Stephen Trivoni

landing in New Orleans

So yesterday I got on the plane in LA and after fighting so hard to fall asleep and failing I woke up in New Orleans this morning. We have been fighting against the enemy since we arrived at the airport last night. One of the girls had to stay behind because she didn't have and id. One of our guys thought he lost his id after going through security. Then our plane was delayed. And in all of this we still couldn't wait to get going. We got on the plane and landed in New Orleans this morning at 7 am. We left for breakfast after grabbing our bags and sat there for quit a bit of time waiting for things at the hotel to clear up. We arrived at the hotel thinking that it would be just moments until we would be laying our heads on a soft pillow for the first time in 24 hours. It's been and hour and half and we are still waiting to be checked into our rooms. Everyone has been struggling to keep their best attitude, especially me. It has been driving me nuts and I have wanted to just scream. Luckily I have been able to contain myself and hopefully hide the strain this is all putting on me. I know that this is a major attack from the enemy. He's trying to get a rise out of all of us and see how far he can mess with this trip. Please keep praying for us. We haven't even been gone a day yet and we are being tested.
On the other hand New Orleans is such a strange place. It's so different already from anything that I have ever experienced. People have southern draws and call you baby. I feel so vulnerable in a place where I don't know where anything is. I have to depend solely on the leaders of the trip. This is definitely testing my control issues. I know the Lord is going to be doing something here. If the enemy is already trying to fight us then it must be something big. What though I can't even begin to imagine.

New Orleans...

So today is the day. Tonight I will be heading down to the airport to jump on a plane that will take me to New Orleans. I can say that I am super excited, but I cannot exclude my nervous feelings. The Lord has put it on my heart to go on this trip although the closer I get to it the more I cannot understand why he is calling me to be in this city at this particular time. It's a bit overwhelming to think that the God of the universe is going to use me in some way to advance his kingdom. Me? The sinner and barely saved Christian that I am is going to help bring people to Christ? Is anyone else hearing this? Doesn't anyone else know that there are a million more qualified than I am? It's hard to believe that this amazing God is going to use someone like me to bring his love and hope into the lives of those who have undergone so much pain and sorrow.That I would be of value to help those who have gone through more than I could ever imagine and have been under far more oppression than I would ever want to believe possible. How will I be able to make a difference in these people's life? Now I am not second guessing God's abilities, that would be dumb. I guess I have yet to see how my life can help other people. I just feel way that I am in way over my head. So with all of this I ask that you be praying. Pray that I allow myself to be used as his tool for the places we go and the people I meet. Pray for our protection against the enemy. Please pray that we are all awakened by this trip and come back changed. Thank you in advance for your prayers and I can't wait to talk to you all when I get back.

goodbye childhood

So in a matter of hours i will soon turn 21. In our culture today 21 is a big birthday to celebrate because that's the last milestone you look forward to. From here on out that is it I am an adult. There is no more just "oh she's young she still has time to learn" but rather this is the time that i need to be learning and figuring these things out. Yea I cold probably get away with still having a child's heart, but that's it. It is such a weird concept to fully grasp. I am now becoming an adult. My life is changing and reality is starting to hit. The things I always imagined that I would some day get to are soon to be the days that I am going to need to start getting around to them. I never thought that I would be the kind of person to freak out as I aged, but here I am so blown away by this concept of growing older. With age comes wisdom and wisdom is something that I am so desperately seeking, but i guess I just always saw everyone else getting older as I stayed the same. Almost as if there was no sense in aging for myself that it was just the world around me. Now I am realizing that I am growing older right along with the world. I guess I always saw people who were older than me as a lot older even if they were a couple years older. Mainly because I thought you had to be at a certain level or look a certain way to be their age or anywhere near it. As I write this I realize how dumb that sounds, and yet those were my exact thoughts. Age is such a crazy concept. It's probably not as complicated as I am making it out to be, but still there is just a strange feeling. Goodbye childhood hello adulthood. I guess I really should have listened to people when they told me to enjoy  my youth because it really does go by faster than you can even realize.

the rainbow in the storm

Just now as I was beginning to make lunch in the college dorm high end microwave I was stopped by a girl named Kipcia who is in my quad. Now I don't really know Kipcia all that well, but she told me something interesting. She said since the other day when she saw me crying (I think it was during our worship and prayer chapel) that she has been wanting to tell me that I am a leader, that she sees that God is using me and amongst other girls I stand out in that. I didn't know what to think.I thanked her for what she said, but for some reason it is hard for it to sink in fully. This is what she sees? Because I see someone who needs to be led right now.  This semester has been full of such brokenness and pain that I can't see how anyone else would see a leader amongst all this mess.
This semester I believe has been all about God breaking me. I've been more tired and more weak than I ever have, but in the midst of being broken I keep trying to make myself stronger. Now I know that it is not the biblical approach, but emotionally that's all I know. It's as if God is tearing down walls, but in order to remain protected I build new ones at the same time. The only thing is God remains at a constant pace and I am growing tired of trying to beat him. This past month or so has been one of the most draining and emotionally disconnected times I have ever been through. I don't know what to think or feel sometimes, and my sensitivity has sky rocketed. It was hard for things to bother me before, but now it is as if this thick sheet has been removed from my eyes and I am beginning to see actions the way they really always were. It is almost if I was partially blind and things appeared differently, but now with a new pair of glasses I am beginning to see the truth to a lot of things. Let me tell you sometimes the truth is more painful than a distorted image.
It is hard to take in positive news when you are in a low place because sometimes you just want to stay there, but what Kipcia told me was very encouraging and went along with what other people have tried telling me this semester as well. I don't know if it had something to do with the fact that she barely knows me, but her comment was almost confirming what everyone else has been trying to tell me all along.