Yesterday I was asked a simple question, "what do you want?" The question was delivered casually and had no hidden message. But as simple as this question was able to come out somehow as it enter in through one ear it became the most complicated question I have ever heard. Now this question was directed toward what kind of neighborhood I would want to live in when I grow up, but somehow this question must have already been on my heart. What do I want? Is the fact that I can't answer this question the reason why I have had such a hard time understanding why I am on this internship? I have no clue of what I want. So many great ideas come into my mind of things that I want to do, but so often they are contradicting.
There is constantly two things that I wan't but somehow they are always at a disagreement with one another. I want to see the world, but I don't want to leave my home. I want to live in nature, but I want to have technology. I want to swim, but I don't want to get my hair wet and have to do it over again! Okay so the last example is silly , but i feel like this is what my heart is constantly have to go through. I feel like I have two little kids inside of me that want completely different things and if I choose one I sacrifice the other. This is a very unhappy game to be playing because someone always gets the short end of the stick, and somehow it still is me that makes looses out on something. I want to live a quiet peaceful life, but i love the thrill of a busy lifestyle. I hate stress and thrive on it at the same time! I feel like I could have multiple desire personalities. (*side note- there are no voices in my head. Just thought that I should be clear on that before I move on.) I just don't know what to do with my life. And I know I am young and everyone says we have the rest of our lives to figure it out, but I greatly believe that your decisions today shape your life tomorrow and the life that you will lead. Yes, there is always those situations where something happens and your whole life gets turned around, but I would rather know what I am working for. The more I get closer to what I think I want the more I begin to realize that it is not really what I wanted. I feel like I keep chasing the illusion of an oasis in the middle of a desert, but every time I reach it the oasis changes and is in a different direction. I feel more lost now than ever. I want to live a simple life, but love the thrill of the city. Lord have mercy on the man that decides to marry me because he will definitely need it to think he can even keep up. There is a darn good reason why guys think that women are crazy and don't know what they want, and I am a perfect example. Every other post I am loving this trip and I am higher than I have ever been, and the ones in between are complete confusion and turmoil. I feel like I take two steps forward and five steps back every time. How the heck can I ever make it out of this? I feel like I am waging war against myself. With both sides hashing out everything they've got. Both sides are winning, yet both sides loose. I don't get it. I just feel like an absolute mess right now.
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