When we can't see what we are worth it is hard to imagine that the things we do are of worth. Sometimes it can be hard to see the forest as you are walking among the trees. I do believe that I can make things to be smaller than they seem simply because I can't see how I can be used in a big way. So in order to wrap my mind around it I need to shrink it, but the problem there is that when I make it out to be small to understand it I tend to leave it there. Now there is a danger in that because the smaller I keep the less it is able to grow. It is as if chains have been wrapped around the bud of a flower not allowing it bloom fully. The petals are pushing and fighting but the chain just tightens until finally the petals just give up and stay half developed.
Yesterday I spent time with Marla Jean and I was giving her updates on what I had been experiencing. I was telling her how this thought of not being able to understand why I was here kept haunting me. Now I don't know how the next part was supposed to help my argument, but I told her how I taught the last two days when I was at HOF. One was on worship and the other was on purpose. For what ever reason I began talking about the lesson and how I told the kids that sometimes things happen in our life that we don't seem to understand but that it plays out in our lives later on. As I started that sentence I wished I could take it back because the very point that I was trying to get across to the kids was the same lesson that I needed to learn. I guess I never saw this trip as being that big of a deal. I never really thought that it was going to change me. I just thought that it was an opportunity to get away from the familiar for a couple of months. I guess I thought that this was going to be more fun and games than to be a real opportunity for God to work in and threw me.
So all of this coming to say that once again I can see why I am here. I had another what would be a bathroom revelation. *note- more and more of my revelations are when i am getting ready in the bathroom.* It was as if a light bulb went off and for the first time I started putting together the different dots that are forming this trip. Yes a huge part of this trip is to grow, but I am being put in front of some amazing people that can give me some fantastic advice for this merging dream that has become clear to me since I have been here. It has also showed me how things that I thought were different dreams have intertwined and are working together as one dream rather than two separate dreams. Seeing this has brought so much comfort this morning. It has also showed me that in this time I have so much to take advantage of because these people that I am here with are the people that are encouraging and help build on those dreams.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Might be to honest but i needed a release
Tonight I truly want to cry. I just don't see what I am doing here. I don't feel like I am really serving all that much. Yea it's been great for me to learn about myself, but is that really why God brought me out all of this way was to learn more about who I am? Was this really disguised as a serving opportunity to only learn about myself again? If it is I don't like the idea of it. It is hard to see how my presence is making a difference in this place. I haven't done anything grand. I've just been here. How has my being here impacted other people? It is just starting to get frustrating. There is a part of me that never wanted to come, and i feel like it is growing. There are things that I am missing or that I miss about being home, and instead I'm with someone else's family. I just don't understand sometimes. Then Pastor was talking about how this trip was bigger than I could see. Honestly I couldn't see how that could be so. How much bigger can it be than I am here learning lessons that He felt the need to bring me all of the way out here for. I am not trying to be so negative it's just a little frustrating at the present moment. I must have a blindfold on because I don't see what Pastor sees. Since switching Pastors on Saturday I have just been counting the days until it is time to switch again. Just so I can switch again and be getting ready to leave again. Whirlwind comes to mind again. Where I should be so much more confident I am totally lost. It's just a little rough right now. This could be a little to honest so for that forgive me.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
One church down, three more to go!
So yesterday I made the switch between Pastor Barriere and Pastor Jimmy. This last week seemed to fly by faster than I could even keep track of. What I realized is that last Sunday after we had the get together at Pastor Barriere's house with some of the members that I knew I started to feel comfortable. I let more of my personality come out with the people around me. But it was in that moment that I felt comfortable that things sped up. I also realized that by the time that I truly felt comfortable with all of my surroundings it was time to get up and leave again. As I thought about it I realized that this is how my life will be. God didn't call me to a life of comfort He called me to a life of obedience. I have a feeling that in my life God is going to put me in different places and the moment that I begin to feel comfortable is when it will be time to move on. As I thought about this the question of school came into mind because by the end of four years how could you not be comfortable, but then I remembered that there are a lot of things that at school that I might never be comfortable with.
Even though these first two weeks were rough they were filled with lessons and realizations that I am grateful for. Although I cannot name every lesson that I have learned there are some key things that stick out.
1. I have learned that I need to be more decisive and less people pleasing. I need to learn how to say what I want and what I don't want. Sometimes it really is more pleasing to others that I have a say rather than me to try and just give them what they want.
2. Learn how to receive a blessing. It has been very hard for me to receive. I love to give, but there was almost a sense of guilt when I received. I always felt like I would be putting people out even if they were offering. I have been told and have learned that we are blessed to be a blessing, and that God is trying to get blessings to me as well. When ever I feel like I am putting someone out or denying someone the opportunity to bless me I am stopping that blessing that should be going through me, rather than ending right before it gets to me. Me being blessed could be just what someone else needs, but I can't give what I don't have.
3. Don't clam up in new environments. This is something that is a process for me. I have realized that when I am all alone in new environments with out someone that I know well it is hard for me to be me. It is almost as if I shut down and then take all of me and stuff it inside where i can hide. There is a huge danger in that because usually it is my personality that got me in those situations and environments. Also my personality might be just what is needed and could be a blessing. This one I haven't fully worked out yet as I realized today being at Pastor Jimmy's house with all of his family here.
4. Talk to everyone you never know what they are going through. TKim (the T stands for aunt) repeated this over and over to me in the two weeks that I was with her. She told me that where ever she goes she talks to everyone because it could just be what someone needed was to hear a friendly voice. I can be a little selective about when I do this, it usually depends on my mood which i need to break out of.
5. Understand principles. Our talent will fade away but principles will continue to stand. This first started with the WOW Jam and now I understand why they work with the pastors and catering people that they do when they enter different cities. Everywhere around me I have been hearing the word principles, and it is because people have seen that this truly is the only thing that remains standing.
6. Forgive. Now this has been something that I have been working on all year. Every time that I hear someone teach on forgiveness there is always a new understanding to what forgiveness really is. It seems to get deeper yet simpler at the same time. Pastor Barriere helped me to see how easy it is to forgive when we look at our wrong and we see how Christ paid the price for all of our mistakes. Then when we look at the offenses toward us it really doesn't seem that bad. Also when we hold onto that anger we miss out on everything else God is trying to give or work through us. Forgiveness is the key to all other blessings.
8. Nerves are good. It should never be easy to teach God's word. It should continue to bring some nerves before I go up because it keeps me in sensitive to what a big deal it really is as well as an honor.
9. Be patient you don't know all that is going on. To often I am quick to respond and to often it could be an unnecessary reaction. Especially when it comes to people.
10. Have value in yourself. It is ok to value yourself and hold yourself up with out being vain. God has placed a high value on my life so why shouldn't I do the same?
These where the top ten lessons that stuck out at me in these last two weeks. Along with lessons I have realized more of my hearts desires. I have realized that is so hard for me to admit the desires of my heart when it comes to certain things. It is really hard for me to admit that with all of my heart I want to be married and during a Bible study they talked about it and how we are wired with that desire and that it is nothing to be ashamed of.
I have also realized how much I have missed working in the food industry. Oh how I can be beat tired after being up all day at the kids camp, and still make it through a six to eight hour night shift at work.
As I was talking to one of the ladies that I met here she explained that it is my way of serving people. The more I thought about the more I realized the truth in this. It is my way of being able to take care of people and share my love of food with them. So the more I have worked the more I realized that I still do want to open a restaurant or even a catering business at some point in my life. It just brings me so much joy. Along with the idea of the restaurant I have also realized that I want it to be a place that I can help with more than just food. I want to be able to help people who have been in prison and are serious about turning their life around. I would like to partner up with a prison ministry and give people the opportunity to make some money and provide for themselves. The harder they work the more responsibility and hours they would receive. There are just so many people that have made dumb mistakes or were with the wrong crowd at the wrong time and place and are forever marked by it. I want to be able to cut them a break and help them out in that way, and show them that if I can trust them they can learn to trust themselves to turn their lives around. Of course this is all just a working process, but it is in writing now. Oh Lord this is truly a desire of my heart lead me to the place and to the people that I need to meet in order to see this through.
Well six more weeks to go. Please keep me in prayer and I will continue to write when I can. Missing home.
Even though these first two weeks were rough they were filled with lessons and realizations that I am grateful for. Although I cannot name every lesson that I have learned there are some key things that stick out.
1. I have learned that I need to be more decisive and less people pleasing. I need to learn how to say what I want and what I don't want. Sometimes it really is more pleasing to others that I have a say rather than me to try and just give them what they want.
2. Learn how to receive a blessing. It has been very hard for me to receive. I love to give, but there was almost a sense of guilt when I received. I always felt like I would be putting people out even if they were offering. I have been told and have learned that we are blessed to be a blessing, and that God is trying to get blessings to me as well. When ever I feel like I am putting someone out or denying someone the opportunity to bless me I am stopping that blessing that should be going through me, rather than ending right before it gets to me. Me being blessed could be just what someone else needs, but I can't give what I don't have.
3. Don't clam up in new environments. This is something that is a process for me. I have realized that when I am all alone in new environments with out someone that I know well it is hard for me to be me. It is almost as if I shut down and then take all of me and stuff it inside where i can hide. There is a huge danger in that because usually it is my personality that got me in those situations and environments. Also my personality might be just what is needed and could be a blessing. This one I haven't fully worked out yet as I realized today being at Pastor Jimmy's house with all of his family here.
4. Talk to everyone you never know what they are going through. TKim (the T stands for aunt) repeated this over and over to me in the two weeks that I was with her. She told me that where ever she goes she talks to everyone because it could just be what someone needed was to hear a friendly voice. I can be a little selective about when I do this, it usually depends on my mood which i need to break out of.
5. Understand principles. Our talent will fade away but principles will continue to stand. This first started with the WOW Jam and now I understand why they work with the pastors and catering people that they do when they enter different cities. Everywhere around me I have been hearing the word principles, and it is because people have seen that this truly is the only thing that remains standing.
6. Forgive. Now this has been something that I have been working on all year. Every time that I hear someone teach on forgiveness there is always a new understanding to what forgiveness really is. It seems to get deeper yet simpler at the same time. Pastor Barriere helped me to see how easy it is to forgive when we look at our wrong and we see how Christ paid the price for all of our mistakes. Then when we look at the offenses toward us it really doesn't seem that bad. Also when we hold onto that anger we miss out on everything else God is trying to give or work through us. Forgiveness is the key to all other blessings.
8. Nerves are good. It should never be easy to teach God's word. It should continue to bring some nerves before I go up because it keeps me in sensitive to what a big deal it really is as well as an honor.
9. Be patient you don't know all that is going on. To often I am quick to respond and to often it could be an unnecessary reaction. Especially when it comes to people.
10. Have value in yourself. It is ok to value yourself and hold yourself up with out being vain. God has placed a high value on my life so why shouldn't I do the same?
These where the top ten lessons that stuck out at me in these last two weeks. Along with lessons I have realized more of my hearts desires. I have realized that is so hard for me to admit the desires of my heart when it comes to certain things. It is really hard for me to admit that with all of my heart I want to be married and during a Bible study they talked about it and how we are wired with that desire and that it is nothing to be ashamed of.
I have also realized how much I have missed working in the food industry. Oh how I can be beat tired after being up all day at the kids camp, and still make it through a six to eight hour night shift at work.
As I was talking to one of the ladies that I met here she explained that it is my way of serving people. The more I thought about the more I realized the truth in this. It is my way of being able to take care of people and share my love of food with them. So the more I have worked the more I realized that I still do want to open a restaurant or even a catering business at some point in my life. It just brings me so much joy. Along with the idea of the restaurant I have also realized that I want it to be a place that I can help with more than just food. I want to be able to help people who have been in prison and are serious about turning their life around. I would like to partner up with a prison ministry and give people the opportunity to make some money and provide for themselves. The harder they work the more responsibility and hours they would receive. There are just so many people that have made dumb mistakes or were with the wrong crowd at the wrong time and place and are forever marked by it. I want to be able to cut them a break and help them out in that way, and show them that if I can trust them they can learn to trust themselves to turn their lives around. Of course this is all just a working process, but it is in writing now. Oh Lord this is truly a desire of my heart lead me to the place and to the people that I need to meet in order to see this through.
Well six more weeks to go. Please keep me in prayer and I will continue to write when I can. Missing home.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
caught in the wind
Tomorrow I will be wrapping up my first week of my internship in New Orleans, and the same lesson keeps coming. Life is never how we picture it to be. I expected to land in New Orleans and to have the same energetic spirit that I felt when I was down here for the WOW Jam. Well I guess I didn't expect there for things to go back to business as usual. I don't really know what I expected it to be like to come back to, but my perception and reality were not on the same track.
Of course at first it seemed a little frustrating. It wasn't the way that I had pictured it. But of course just like anything God's plan is always better than anything that we can come up with. I guess I thought that I was just going to walk in and serve and everything was going to be pretty roses all in a row. Of course God thought of using my time better. Not only have I been serving, but there have been a series of events that have served on my heart.
As I am in the same city that I worked with the WOW Jam with it is easy for Stephen's voice to be ringing in my ear, "And remember be flexible." Well Stephen being flexible is a lot harder when you have to continue to be flexible everyday. I never imagined that it would be so difficult being out here and remembering to stay flexible. It has also been a real challenge trying to not know what is coming next. Most days I would find out the schedule for the next day at about 8 or 9pm and never know how I was getting back until it came time for me to leave. It is definitely stretching me. Honestly everyday I have either cried or been on the verge of crying because I just don't know how to handle this. I don't know anything about what is going to happen next, and I have had to take it just a few hours at a time. Sometimes I understand and sometimes I have no choice but to try and understand. It has seriously felt like a roller coaster of emotions simply because I can go from having a great time with the kids at camp to being at the verge of a break down. I just don't understand what is causing me to be so up and down. Is it a control issue? Is it a constant fear of the unknown? I have yet to discover what is leading me through this, but I am trying to move past it.
Now this first house that I am staying at has also taken me out of my comfort zone. I have honestly been dreading staying at this home since before I left for New Orleans. In the two months that I am going to be here in New Orleans I will be staying at four different households as I switch between churches. I have briefly met everyone that I will be staying with except for lady that is currently housing me. I knew nothing about her except for a first name. In the same day that I came to meet her I had been at the first church all day. I had met Pastor at the WOW Jam, but that was really it and Pastor was no where to be seen on day one. So all day I had been around people I had never met and then headed over to a home of someone that I knew nothing about. Honestly it was probably the hardest and most stressful day simply because I had no point of reference. Any security blanket I could of had was ripped from my hands as I begged on my knees for just a little bit of comfort. Yet all I had to cling on to was a pillow, blanket and stuffed bear from home. The first couple of days I wanted nothing more than to hide away in the room that they so generously let me stay in. It was as if I was a scared little girl curled up in a ball in the corner. I would let myself come out to play every once in a while, but it was only for a brief moment before I would run back and hide.
Everyday it has gotten a little bit better, and I am starting to get more and more excited as the days go on. It's the excitement that I was looking for before I left. I know that my thoughts are very scattered right now. I guess that I am trying to get my feet on the ground and break from this whirl wind that it seems I am in.
Of course at first it seemed a little frustrating. It wasn't the way that I had pictured it. But of course just like anything God's plan is always better than anything that we can come up with. I guess I thought that I was just going to walk in and serve and everything was going to be pretty roses all in a row. Of course God thought of using my time better. Not only have I been serving, but there have been a series of events that have served on my heart.
As I am in the same city that I worked with the WOW Jam with it is easy for Stephen's voice to be ringing in my ear, "And remember be flexible." Well Stephen being flexible is a lot harder when you have to continue to be flexible everyday. I never imagined that it would be so difficult being out here and remembering to stay flexible. It has also been a real challenge trying to not know what is coming next. Most days I would find out the schedule for the next day at about 8 or 9pm and never know how I was getting back until it came time for me to leave. It is definitely stretching me. Honestly everyday I have either cried or been on the verge of crying because I just don't know how to handle this. I don't know anything about what is going to happen next, and I have had to take it just a few hours at a time. Sometimes I understand and sometimes I have no choice but to try and understand. It has seriously felt like a roller coaster of emotions simply because I can go from having a great time with the kids at camp to being at the verge of a break down. I just don't understand what is causing me to be so up and down. Is it a control issue? Is it a constant fear of the unknown? I have yet to discover what is leading me through this, but I am trying to move past it.
Now this first house that I am staying at has also taken me out of my comfort zone. I have honestly been dreading staying at this home since before I left for New Orleans. In the two months that I am going to be here in New Orleans I will be staying at four different households as I switch between churches. I have briefly met everyone that I will be staying with except for lady that is currently housing me. I knew nothing about her except for a first name. In the same day that I came to meet her I had been at the first church all day. I had met Pastor at the WOW Jam, but that was really it and Pastor was no where to be seen on day one. So all day I had been around people I had never met and then headed over to a home of someone that I knew nothing about. Honestly it was probably the hardest and most stressful day simply because I had no point of reference. Any security blanket I could of had was ripped from my hands as I begged on my knees for just a little bit of comfort. Yet all I had to cling on to was a pillow, blanket and stuffed bear from home. The first couple of days I wanted nothing more than to hide away in the room that they so generously let me stay in. It was as if I was a scared little girl curled up in a ball in the corner. I would let myself come out to play every once in a while, but it was only for a brief moment before I would run back and hide.
Everyday it has gotten a little bit better, and I am starting to get more and more excited as the days go on. It's the excitement that I was looking for before I left. I know that my thoughts are very scattered right now. I guess that I am trying to get my feet on the ground and break from this whirl wind that it seems I am in.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
First weekend in New Orleans
So this has been my first weekend in New Orleans. I landed Friday afternoon and I have been staying at Marla Jean and Trent's house. Marla Jean is the city coordinator for the WOW Jams here in New Orleans. I must admit before leaving San Diego I was very scared and nervous. I realized that I was scared because this trip signifies my first step to the rest of my life. Yes, I have lived on my own for a while, I had to pay bills, and I have also gone off this last year to college on my own; but it wasn't until boarding the plane to go to a city that I barely knew to stay with people that I barely knew that I really felt like I was taking my first real step. It has been a step into adulthood, the first step into the rest of my life and more importantly a step of faith. As the days grew closer to leave I began to become more and more fearful of the unknown of this trip. Fears of the people I would be staying with, or being depended on when I felt that I really didn't have enough to give haunted me. I had let these fears take over my heart so much that I greatly considered not coming. But it was the people pleasing side in me and knowing that my ticket had already been paid for that I hesitantly got on the plane.While on the plane I wrote in my journal my fears and prayed. Soon after I was able to take a bit of a nap, and when I woke up I felt a little better.
After I woke up I felt the need to talk to the guy sitting next to me, but my own pride or fear got in the way. I kept pushing it off. The more I pushed it off the stronger my nerves grew inside of me and that was how I knew that this wasn't just random chance that we were placed next to each other. Right as my nerves were about to get the best of me I glanced over to the notebook he was studying and saw that the information was familiar to me. His name was Elijah and I casually asked him about what he was studying and from there a conversation began to arise. We started asking questions about the other person and we actually had a great conversation. It was when we got on the topic of family that I realized the reason for our encounter. Elijah's parents have been going through a rough couple of years with their health. Santos, Elijah's dad, had a heart attack two years ago and still has a high chance of getting another one. His dad has had to take it easy the past few years in order to maintain his health. Now Elijah's mom, Gloria, recently just had lung failure and is in need of a lung transplant. Gloria loves to garden and spends much of her time doing so, but the doctor ordered her to stay out of the sun. As Elijah told me about his parents it just broke my heart. This family has gone through so much in such a short amount of time. I asked him if he would give me the names of his parents and if he minded if I could continue to pray for their healing. As I asked and I watched him listen to my question for just a moment I saw his face change. It was as if I had offered him a magical pill that would make everything better. It was as if I had just done something in offering prayer. Looking back that moment was absolutely priceless. So often I am scared to offer prayer either in the moment or to let them know that I will be praying for them. Especially if they are not from school or church, but this moment was able to show me just how much people really believe in the power of prayer no matter what negative things they say about it. This family has greatly been put on my heart so if you are reading this please take a moment to pray for them. Pray for the healing and restoration of the family.
Now since actually being in New Orleans I have been trying to catch up on sleep, get adjusted to the time change and get accustomed to the heat. I have spent a lot of time getting to know Marla and Trent, as well as what many different ways Marla is involved in ministry. They are an amazing couple that are doing wonderful things for the Lord. Last night Sam and Chuck came over for dinner and it was just a blast having them. They have such an amazing story and are so lively. I think most of the night we spent it laughing. They are also doing amazing things. Sam is doing the counseling at a church, and Chuck is doing a lot of work with Catholics. They are just absolutely amazing. Today we went to church at the CrossRoads Church which is Jim Woodard's church. I will be working with them later on in the summer. The first Sunday of every month they have what they call family day, which is a potluck and everyone hangs out and fellowships over a meal with each other. I really enjoyed the concept behind it.
Right now I sit in my room at Marla's house and I am just absolutely amazed at how God is working in so many people's lives. Almost all of the stories I have heard this weekend have been of just that. How God has lead them to things they would have never dreamed and has given them all the right connections that other wise would have never happened. It has just been so great seeing so much in such a short amount of time. I am still a little nervous about being here, but I am not as afraid anymore. I am just anxious to see what comes of this summer.
After I woke up I felt the need to talk to the guy sitting next to me, but my own pride or fear got in the way. I kept pushing it off. The more I pushed it off the stronger my nerves grew inside of me and that was how I knew that this wasn't just random chance that we were placed next to each other. Right as my nerves were about to get the best of me I glanced over to the notebook he was studying and saw that the information was familiar to me. His name was Elijah and I casually asked him about what he was studying and from there a conversation began to arise. We started asking questions about the other person and we actually had a great conversation. It was when we got on the topic of family that I realized the reason for our encounter. Elijah's parents have been going through a rough couple of years with their health. Santos, Elijah's dad, had a heart attack two years ago and still has a high chance of getting another one. His dad has had to take it easy the past few years in order to maintain his health. Now Elijah's mom, Gloria, recently just had lung failure and is in need of a lung transplant. Gloria loves to garden and spends much of her time doing so, but the doctor ordered her to stay out of the sun. As Elijah told me about his parents it just broke my heart. This family has gone through so much in such a short amount of time. I asked him if he would give me the names of his parents and if he minded if I could continue to pray for their healing. As I asked and I watched him listen to my question for just a moment I saw his face change. It was as if I had offered him a magical pill that would make everything better. It was as if I had just done something in offering prayer. Looking back that moment was absolutely priceless. So often I am scared to offer prayer either in the moment or to let them know that I will be praying for them. Especially if they are not from school or church, but this moment was able to show me just how much people really believe in the power of prayer no matter what negative things they say about it. This family has greatly been put on my heart so if you are reading this please take a moment to pray for them. Pray for the healing and restoration of the family.
Now since actually being in New Orleans I have been trying to catch up on sleep, get adjusted to the time change and get accustomed to the heat. I have spent a lot of time getting to know Marla and Trent, as well as what many different ways Marla is involved in ministry. They are an amazing couple that are doing wonderful things for the Lord. Last night Sam and Chuck came over for dinner and it was just a blast having them. They have such an amazing story and are so lively. I think most of the night we spent it laughing. They are also doing amazing things. Sam is doing the counseling at a church, and Chuck is doing a lot of work with Catholics. They are just absolutely amazing. Today we went to church at the CrossRoads Church which is Jim Woodard's church. I will be working with them later on in the summer. The first Sunday of every month they have what they call family day, which is a potluck and everyone hangs out and fellowships over a meal with each other. I really enjoyed the concept behind it.
Right now I sit in my room at Marla's house and I am just absolutely amazed at how God is working in so many people's lives. Almost all of the stories I have heard this weekend have been of just that. How God has lead them to things they would have never dreamed and has given them all the right connections that other wise would have never happened. It has just been so great seeing so much in such a short amount of time. I am still a little nervous about being here, but I am not as afraid anymore. I am just anxious to see what comes of this summer.
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