New Beginnings...

Two years ago my whole life was flipped upside. Everything I knew was being taken from me. I was told I was wrong in so many ways. I went away to learn what was right, and for the last two years I have been on that journey. I have learned from some of the most brilliant minds. Minds that are far beyond my real understanding. Yet here I am. At crossroads. The day after tomorrow I make my last trip to San Diego for a while. Two days later I will be driving across the country to a place I have never been to live with people I have never met. Though I did this last year for internship this year's difference is that this is a semi-permanent move. I will be attending a business school until I finish my degree.
Now I have been excited about this move for some time, yet today reality is sinking in drastically. I have been strong for the last two months as I have dodged opinions, criticism and doubt. Today I broke down. I know a deeper one is still to come, but this pre-quake was enough to scare me. This entire time I have question and wondered if I am doing the right thing? Do I really hear God? What if I fail bigger and worse than I ever have? What do I do if this was all wrong? How can I ever make it right? I have been terrified. Beyond words really and I can't answer any of those questions. And the worst part is that the answer to all this is that I will never be alone, God is carrying me, or any other Christianese answer. However, when you are in the middle of it all it is hard to believe this as truth.
Since school let out 3 or 4 weeks ago I have had the biggest struggle with God. To the point where I wondered if I was even saved. It has been the biggest uphill battle and I am so weak. My mind rages war with itself by what is directly in front of me and what I have already learned about God. Everyone's theology rattles in my brain contradicting one another and then here I am fighting the only being that actually and truly loves me.
I can't say these next few months will be easy, but I am starting to see that everything I have learned is about to be challenged, and for the first time build a relationship with this God who gave it all. Who isn't threatened by my questions. Like for the first time I get to discover him for myself instead of people telling me who He is.
Here goes to new beginnings and the strength that I am so longing for.

It is time

It is that time again. It is time for another heart surgery. There have been plenty of things that I have used to purposefully hold myself back. I have been so fearful of letting go of the person that I am for fear that people might not accept who I am. I guess because I have been able to hide my heart behind this magical act that I have no feelings and that I am tough so don’t mess with me! It has been a subconscious defense mechanism. Before anyone could even have a chance to hurt me I am surrounded by layers and layers of walls that have snipers at every square inch armed and ready to shoot down any intruder. But it is all simply an act. When you look at the other side of the wall you will see that they are all just cut out stage props. The only thing is most people get so turned off by the sight of the armed walls that they never see that it is all just a set up.

            So now what? Where can I possibly go from here? To tear these false images down that have built a sense of security for so many years is one of the most terrifying and vulnerable things that we can do. Or at least it is for me. I am terrified to show the world who I am. It doesn’t help that ideas such as “not everyone deserves to know all of you” have been planted in me from such an early age. Not to mention all of the observed behavior of people not showing all of themselves to all of those that surrounded them. There is still a fear that taking this step would be loosing who I am. I just am not so sure of whom I will be if I let go of this tough image. I felt like I have always had to be strong, yet I don’t know how to be soft and strong at the same time. It seems like a major contradiction.

            Although, this weekend during our school retreat among the many things the Lord did in me and said to me one of the greatest things that He told me was concerning my personality. I have begun to understand that I was created in God’s image as far my heart, but what I had not put together was that God put together my personality. This weekend during one of the speakers the Lord began to show me first of all that he has specifically put together my personality. Then as they were talking about how when we press into the Lord then community just falls into place, well I believe the same is true for our personalities. As I have struggled with these past two weeks of understanding how to get reconnected on campus I have been looking to see what was wrong with me or with what the Lord was trying to show me. I think that it has finally hit. If I try to create a sense of community by trying to be part of the community by my own strength then I will continue to lose touch and my sense of community will fall apart. Yet, it is when I press into the Lord and seek after His heart that my own personality begins to come out because the Lord has made me so essentially the more I learn about whom He is the more I will learn about myself and ultimately will develop into my own personality.

            It is hard to know if my tough girl attitude is from the Lord or not because the Lord is not just one way or the other. Sometimes God is black. Other times he is white. And yet other times he is gray. There is no real way to know whether this personality of mine was what God had intended me to become or if my circumstances gave me the choice to be this tough daughter. What I do know is that He has been breaking me down an awful lot. I can’t say that my life is anything like Job’s but sometimes it feels like it is one challenge right after another.

            Lord, I lay myself down at your feet. Take from me what is not of your original intent for my personality. Show me what it is that you are trying to do in me, and show me the vision of where you are trying to take me to. Bring down the props that have kept people out and remove the fear of being hurt. Help me to understand that at the end of the day you are all that matters, and that if other people are not willing to accept me that is not for me to fret about because I am a daughter of the King most high and I am not to settle or change for anyone other than you. Don’t let me settle for anything less than you and your love. Thank you Jesus for your unconditional love that can come from no one else but you. Continue to lead me on your path Jesus.

I pray all of this in Jesus Name.

Amen.

...

Lord lead me.
Because I am a big mess.
I can't do this alone.
My insides are in chaos.
I don't know what to do.
Show me your way Lord.
Lead me back to you.
I want to be found.

Lessons of New Orleans- My letter to the Pastors

There are events in our life that seem to change the course of our lives. Our life changing moments can be as big as the mountains or as subtle as a soft breeze. As these moments come together through out our lives we can God’s original intent for our lives. New Orleans was one of my life defining experiences.

As I spent two months in New Orleans I went through some of my most difficult challenges with myself. Once again I thought that I had figured God out. I had come to New Orleans thinking that I knew how this internship was going to work. Well I am sure God had a good laugh at that. God had other plans for me. There had been things in my heart that I was just willing to bury deep down and not deal with it, but in order to move on to the next step it was time to deal with my heart.

            Immediately upon arrival I was tested and stretched. I had never thought that I would miss my family as much as I did in the time that I was in New Orleans. Even though I missed them terribly after being home I wonder if the longing I had for them was more about the comfort and familiarity that they brought. I love them and have a deeper appreciation for them now, but in a city of the unknown nothing sounds better than going back to what you know. I knew going through with this trip would be preparing me for something that is yet to come. Being back at home has showed me that with God I really can be anywhere and go through anything because He is the one that carries me through it. At the end of every day my parents weren’t there, nor friends or family that had guided me though other life challenges. It was only me and God on this adventure. When I turned to Him or when I didn’t He was still the only one that was there walking through this journey with me. So even when it hurts, it’s hard and I really have no idea why I am in whatever new place; New Orleans will always be a testimony to myself that God will get me through anything and He is the only one that will never leave me. If that had been the only lesson that I walked away with from this trip it would have all been worth it.

            The amazing thing about God is that that was not the only thing that I learned! Going back through some of my notes I have seen so many more revelations than I thought that I had. I could probably write a book on how much I have learned, but for time and space I will share the things that the Lord emphasized. During my time at Household of Faith the Lord convicted me of forgiveness. He showed me how my forgiveness in the past had been shallow and that I was still holding on to so much pain. I also was shown how I have been a blessing stopper. I had never realized until then that a blessing is about benefiting me for only a moment, while that blessing really is supposed to move toward others that need to be blessed. It is something that I am still learning to live out.

            While being at Cornerstone Christian Center I saw that I need to make sure that who I am in ministry starts with who I am in my family. I cannot go and love other people’s families with out loving my own first. For a while now I believed that my family knew who I was and so it was ok that my attitude would slip more often than not. Now that I have seen that I need to be the same person all the way around. Our lives are not shows to put on for the world.

            At Crossroads I was challenged to find out who I am in Christ. This was probably one of my biggest challenges. It has been hard to accept the person that God created and chose. The truth is that regardless of the person I believe that I am I was chosen with no real explanation except for the fact that I am a mess. God seems to have a sense of humor because He likes to use one mess to clean up another, and even though it seems to make no logical sense to us it has worked every time.

            River of Life taught me to see people with the love of God. It is so easy to see people with our eyes which can cause us to miss great opportunities for God to work. It isn’t until we put God’s glasses on that we can love people the way He does. Unconditional. With out limits or requirements. Just love.

            In one very orchestrated by God afternoon I learned about the importance of relationships as well as the importance of reaching other nations. These are two subjects that I have always held close to my heart, which left me encouraged seeing a working example.

            Working through Kingdom Builders Ministry taught me about discipline. Often times I prefer to let things just happen because our plans never seem to work out anyway. Structure and order bring us closer to God because that is who He is. I have been far too comfortable allowing my life to be lived in chaos which tends to keep me away from God. The more disciplined that I became this summer the closer and deeper I felt toward God. It is definitely something I need to learn to keep practicing instead of letting just anything happen.

            These lessons flowed through each ministry that I worked with, however they came to life at these particular times. It really is hard to believe that the committee didn’t plan the flow and themes I came across this summer, but I guess that is what makes this experience so much more beautiful to me. Thank you each for your time and willingness to invest in my life. This experience will be something that I will be able to hold in my heart for the rest of my life. I love every one of you dearly. I am missing my New Orleans family already! 

Ephesians- In Christ

I am currently wrapping up my time at Crossroads Church with Pastor Jim Woodard. We had V.B.S this week and honestly it has been the easiest transition in since I have been here in New Orleans. It could have been that I have also seen them a few times prior to coming to help at their church, but what ever the reason it has been a good week. Last Sunday I attended church at Crossroads, and Pastor Jim was talking about how if we don't let go of the baggage and feeling of unworthiness we will never see God's will for our lives. This is something that I have greatly struggled with. I feel like I keep taking all the right steps toward this, but somehow I have managed to sneak my luggage in right behind me. When Pastor Jim said that we could miss out on the call of our lives it really got to me. I sat there in my seat as he continued and began a war inside of me. Will I continue to hold on to this baggage? Will I truly let this keep back? Then it switched. Is it really even worth going through? If I begin letting go of this junk it is only going to lead to more hard times. Is this life really worth moving forward and being  in God's will? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life doing this? Because I have already seen that this is a painful road. I could have died in that moment realizing these thoughts were crossing my mind. I knew in that moment I need more help than I thought.
 I went up to Pastor Jim and explained this battle. He told me it needed to be a mental choice and that I can't depend on emotion. Ok I have heard that before I need a little more to go off than that. He went on and told me two things that for the first time sunk in. First, I am not secure in my identity in Christ because then it would not be such a struggle to leave the past behind. Second, it is not about me. I might have heard something along the lines of the first one, but the second one was something that has been said so often that I think I became numb to it.  It is not about me. At first it was like well duh! I wouldn't be here in New Orleans if that were the case, but after we were done talking it began to sink in. All of this really isn't about me. Now I would love to say that this phrase got me out of my comfort box right away, but of course it didn't. Although, it has been a phrase that I continue to tell myself when I am faced in challenging situations.
 Well of course the chat was not the end of it. Pastor Jim gave me a homework assignment for this week. I was to read Ephesians 1-3 everyday and find all the "in Christ" statements that I could so that I could better understand who I am in Christ. Well I started the assignment by taking a chapter a day and pulling it apart. After the third day I saw that a had a few revelations, but I felt like I was still missing the point. So I decided to read it all as one. So I read through it once and didn't get much out of it. It wasn't until last night that I found something that just hit me so hard. Now understand this is the best way for my mind to comprehend it.  And this is what I received.
  Ephesians 1:17-19 was what stopped me but the focus is on verse 18 and a little of 19.
"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe..."
As I have been going through Ephesians 1-3 this verse really hit me today. As I have been reading I guess I was never sure what I was looking for, but I think tonight I found it. God has put a call on my life, and not as a career path. Rather He has called me to be the daughter that he has created me to be. When I feed into my insecurities and the self-hatred and mutilation I am calling God a liar. I am saying that He doesn't know who I am, and continue to proceed to correct God and put him in His place. It is as if I deny Jesus altogether because if I deny Jesus in one area and am calling Him a liar how can he be God? It would be like degrading Him to human status. When I refuse to receive who He says I am I am refusing the position that He called me to fill. My call is to be God's daughter, to love the temple (body) that He gave me, and to serve Him with my whole heart. If I cannot accept who He has made me how can I accept Him? When I don't accept myself I am telling God " you did a shitty job here let me do it because you obviously don't know what you are doing." Not accepting myself is not accepting Christ because Christ lives inside of me. I am called to be Bianca Vianei Brodbeck and to the fullest extent of that meaning.
I am...
beautiful
kind
gentle
strong
loving
passionate
faithful
caring
compassionate
emotional
encouraging
merciful
forgiving
weak
human.

need a grip on reality

I had the strangest experience last night. Reality has been a little delayed and turned about since I have been here in New Orleans. It took me almost a month to truly realize that I was in New Orleans and that I was states away from being home. Then last night I tried thinking about when I go home, and the idea was almost surreal. I felt like somewhere along the way this became my reality and there was almost no real idea of going home. It was the strangest feeling, and I don't know why or how it happened. I felt a little trapped but not to the point where I would panic.The strangest part to this is that I am dying to be home, but I just can't picture it anymore. I don't know if that is because I have been going through such different experiences that home will never be the same as it once was. I truly don't know where it came from or why, but it really gave me just an odd feeling. Oh but how some days i am counting down until I return home. I must be honest I have been under some great conditions, only there is a longing of my home that i can't get over.
Well I have come across another lesson since this week. I have learned that I do not want to be a Pastor or the wife of one. I already had an idea of that, although this week confirmed it. It was just engraved even deeper that I don't want to do things the typical way. I want to be able to create and do things the way that I was made to. Don't get me wrong I think Pastors are phenomenal people I just don't believe that I am called to do be it. I also learned in this last month that I want to make sure that the person I am when I am ministering is the same person when I get home. I think to often I can just pass it off as if my family knows all of me and have to accept the good, the bad and the ugly. It just shouldn't be that they get the short end of the stick. I want people to be able to come into my home and see the same person they would out on the streets sharing the love of God. Now there will always be those days where it is just one of those days, yet those should not be a regular occurrence. I want to stand for what I believe in all the way around. I think that is all for this lazy morning ramble.

Both sides have arrived for battle this morning

Yesterday I was asked a simple question, "what do you want?" The question was delivered casually and had no hidden message. But as simple as this question was able to come out somehow as it enter in through one ear it became the most complicated question I have ever heard. Now this question was directed toward what kind of neighborhood I would want to live in when I grow up, but somehow this question must have already been on my heart. What do I want? Is the fact that I can't answer this question the reason why I have had such a hard time understanding why I am on this internship? I have no clue of what I want. So many great ideas come into my mind of things that I want to do, but so often they are contradicting.
There is constantly two things that I wan't but somehow they are always at a disagreement with one another. I want to see the world, but I don't want to leave my home. I want to live in nature, but I want to have technology. I want to swim, but I don't want to get my hair wet and have to do it over again! Okay so the last example is silly , but i feel like this is what my heart is constantly have to go through. I feel like I have two little kids inside of me that want completely different things and if I choose one I sacrifice the other. This is a very unhappy game to be playing because someone always gets the short end of the stick, and somehow it still is me that makes looses out on something. I want to live a quiet peaceful life, but i love the thrill of a busy lifestyle. I hate stress and thrive on it at the same time! I feel like I could have multiple desire personalities. (*side note- there are no voices in my head. Just thought that I should be clear on that before I move on.) I just don't know what to do with my life. And I know I am young and everyone says we have the rest of our lives to figure it out, but I greatly believe that your decisions today shape your life tomorrow and the life that you will lead. Yes, there is always those situations where something happens and your whole life gets turned around, but I would rather know what I am working for. The more I get closer to what I think I want the more I begin to realize that it is not really what I wanted. I feel like I keep chasing the illusion of an oasis in the middle of a desert, but every time I reach it the oasis changes and is in a different direction. I feel more lost now than ever. I want to live a simple life, but love the thrill of the city. Lord have mercy on the man that decides to marry me because he will definitely need it to think he can even keep up. There is a darn good reason why guys think that women are crazy and don't know what they want, and I am a perfect example. Every other post I am loving this trip and I am higher than I have ever been, and the ones in between are complete confusion and turmoil. I feel like I take two steps forward and five steps back every time. How the heck can I ever make it out of this? I feel like I am waging war against myself. With both sides hashing out everything they've got. Both sides are winning, yet both sides loose. I don't get it. I just feel like an absolute mess right now.