New Beginnings...

Two years ago my whole life was flipped upside. Everything I knew was being taken from me. I was told I was wrong in so many ways. I went away to learn what was right, and for the last two years I have been on that journey. I have learned from some of the most brilliant minds. Minds that are far beyond my real understanding. Yet here I am. At crossroads. The day after tomorrow I make my last trip to San Diego for a while. Two days later I will be driving across the country to a place I have never been to live with people I have never met. Though I did this last year for internship this year's difference is that this is a semi-permanent move. I will be attending a business school until I finish my degree.
Now I have been excited about this move for some time, yet today reality is sinking in drastically. I have been strong for the last two months as I have dodged opinions, criticism and doubt. Today I broke down. I know a deeper one is still to come, but this pre-quake was enough to scare me. This entire time I have question and wondered if I am doing the right thing? Do I really hear God? What if I fail bigger and worse than I ever have? What do I do if this was all wrong? How can I ever make it right? I have been terrified. Beyond words really and I can't answer any of those questions. And the worst part is that the answer to all this is that I will never be alone, God is carrying me, or any other Christianese answer. However, when you are in the middle of it all it is hard to believe this as truth.
Since school let out 3 or 4 weeks ago I have had the biggest struggle with God. To the point where I wondered if I was even saved. It has been the biggest uphill battle and I am so weak. My mind rages war with itself by what is directly in front of me and what I have already learned about God. Everyone's theology rattles in my brain contradicting one another and then here I am fighting the only being that actually and truly loves me.
I can't say these next few months will be easy, but I am starting to see that everything I have learned is about to be challenged, and for the first time build a relationship with this God who gave it all. Who isn't threatened by my questions. Like for the first time I get to discover him for myself instead of people telling me who He is.
Here goes to new beginnings and the strength that I am so longing for.