Ephesians- In Christ

I am currently wrapping up my time at Crossroads Church with Pastor Jim Woodard. We had V.B.S this week and honestly it has been the easiest transition in since I have been here in New Orleans. It could have been that I have also seen them a few times prior to coming to help at their church, but what ever the reason it has been a good week. Last Sunday I attended church at Crossroads, and Pastor Jim was talking about how if we don't let go of the baggage and feeling of unworthiness we will never see God's will for our lives. This is something that I have greatly struggled with. I feel like I keep taking all the right steps toward this, but somehow I have managed to sneak my luggage in right behind me. When Pastor Jim said that we could miss out on the call of our lives it really got to me. I sat there in my seat as he continued and began a war inside of me. Will I continue to hold on to this baggage? Will I truly let this keep back? Then it switched. Is it really even worth going through? If I begin letting go of this junk it is only going to lead to more hard times. Is this life really worth moving forward and being  in God's will? Do I really want to spend the rest of my life doing this? Because I have already seen that this is a painful road. I could have died in that moment realizing these thoughts were crossing my mind. I knew in that moment I need more help than I thought.
 I went up to Pastor Jim and explained this battle. He told me it needed to be a mental choice and that I can't depend on emotion. Ok I have heard that before I need a little more to go off than that. He went on and told me two things that for the first time sunk in. First, I am not secure in my identity in Christ because then it would not be such a struggle to leave the past behind. Second, it is not about me. I might have heard something along the lines of the first one, but the second one was something that has been said so often that I think I became numb to it.  It is not about me. At first it was like well duh! I wouldn't be here in New Orleans if that were the case, but after we were done talking it began to sink in. All of this really isn't about me. Now I would love to say that this phrase got me out of my comfort box right away, but of course it didn't. Although, it has been a phrase that I continue to tell myself when I am faced in challenging situations.
 Well of course the chat was not the end of it. Pastor Jim gave me a homework assignment for this week. I was to read Ephesians 1-3 everyday and find all the "in Christ" statements that I could so that I could better understand who I am in Christ. Well I started the assignment by taking a chapter a day and pulling it apart. After the third day I saw that a had a few revelations, but I felt like I was still missing the point. So I decided to read it all as one. So I read through it once and didn't get much out of it. It wasn't until last night that I found something that just hit me so hard. Now understand this is the best way for my mind to comprehend it.  And this is what I received.
  Ephesians 1:17-19 was what stopped me but the focus is on verse 18 and a little of 19.
"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe..."
As I have been going through Ephesians 1-3 this verse really hit me today. As I have been reading I guess I was never sure what I was looking for, but I think tonight I found it. God has put a call on my life, and not as a career path. Rather He has called me to be the daughter that he has created me to be. When I feed into my insecurities and the self-hatred and mutilation I am calling God a liar. I am saying that He doesn't know who I am, and continue to proceed to correct God and put him in His place. It is as if I deny Jesus altogether because if I deny Jesus in one area and am calling Him a liar how can he be God? It would be like degrading Him to human status. When I refuse to receive who He says I am I am refusing the position that He called me to fill. My call is to be God's daughter, to love the temple (body) that He gave me, and to serve Him with my whole heart. If I cannot accept who He has made me how can I accept Him? When I don't accept myself I am telling God " you did a shitty job here let me do it because you obviously don't know what you are doing." Not accepting myself is not accepting Christ because Christ lives inside of me. I am called to be Bianca Vianei Brodbeck and to the fullest extent of that meaning.
I am...
beautiful
kind
gentle
strong
loving
passionate
faithful
caring
compassionate
emotional
encouraging
merciful
forgiving
weak
human.

need a grip on reality

I had the strangest experience last night. Reality has been a little delayed and turned about since I have been here in New Orleans. It took me almost a month to truly realize that I was in New Orleans and that I was states away from being home. Then last night I tried thinking about when I go home, and the idea was almost surreal. I felt like somewhere along the way this became my reality and there was almost no real idea of going home. It was the strangest feeling, and I don't know why or how it happened. I felt a little trapped but not to the point where I would panic.The strangest part to this is that I am dying to be home, but I just can't picture it anymore. I don't know if that is because I have been going through such different experiences that home will never be the same as it once was. I truly don't know where it came from or why, but it really gave me just an odd feeling. Oh but how some days i am counting down until I return home. I must be honest I have been under some great conditions, only there is a longing of my home that i can't get over.
Well I have come across another lesson since this week. I have learned that I do not want to be a Pastor or the wife of one. I already had an idea of that, although this week confirmed it. It was just engraved even deeper that I don't want to do things the typical way. I want to be able to create and do things the way that I was made to. Don't get me wrong I think Pastors are phenomenal people I just don't believe that I am called to do be it. I also learned in this last month that I want to make sure that the person I am when I am ministering is the same person when I get home. I think to often I can just pass it off as if my family knows all of me and have to accept the good, the bad and the ugly. It just shouldn't be that they get the short end of the stick. I want people to be able to come into my home and see the same person they would out on the streets sharing the love of God. Now there will always be those days where it is just one of those days, yet those should not be a regular occurrence. I want to stand for what I believe in all the way around. I think that is all for this lazy morning ramble.

Both sides have arrived for battle this morning

Yesterday I was asked a simple question, "what do you want?" The question was delivered casually and had no hidden message. But as simple as this question was able to come out somehow as it enter in through one ear it became the most complicated question I have ever heard. Now this question was directed toward what kind of neighborhood I would want to live in when I grow up, but somehow this question must have already been on my heart. What do I want? Is the fact that I can't answer this question the reason why I have had such a hard time understanding why I am on this internship? I have no clue of what I want. So many great ideas come into my mind of things that I want to do, but so often they are contradicting.
There is constantly two things that I wan't but somehow they are always at a disagreement with one another. I want to see the world, but I don't want to leave my home. I want to live in nature, but I want to have technology. I want to swim, but I don't want to get my hair wet and have to do it over again! Okay so the last example is silly , but i feel like this is what my heart is constantly have to go through. I feel like I have two little kids inside of me that want completely different things and if I choose one I sacrifice the other. This is a very unhappy game to be playing because someone always gets the short end of the stick, and somehow it still is me that makes looses out on something. I want to live a quiet peaceful life, but i love the thrill of a busy lifestyle. I hate stress and thrive on it at the same time! I feel like I could have multiple desire personalities. (*side note- there are no voices in my head. Just thought that I should be clear on that before I move on.) I just don't know what to do with my life. And I know I am young and everyone says we have the rest of our lives to figure it out, but I greatly believe that your decisions today shape your life tomorrow and the life that you will lead. Yes, there is always those situations where something happens and your whole life gets turned around, but I would rather know what I am working for. The more I get closer to what I think I want the more I begin to realize that it is not really what I wanted. I feel like I keep chasing the illusion of an oasis in the middle of a desert, but every time I reach it the oasis changes and is in a different direction. I feel more lost now than ever. I want to live a simple life, but love the thrill of the city. Lord have mercy on the man that decides to marry me because he will definitely need it to think he can even keep up. There is a darn good reason why guys think that women are crazy and don't know what they want, and I am a perfect example. Every other post I am loving this trip and I am higher than I have ever been, and the ones in between are complete confusion and turmoil. I feel like I take two steps forward and five steps back every time. How the heck can I ever make it out of this? I feel like I am waging war against myself. With both sides hashing out everything they've got. Both sides are winning, yet both sides loose. I don't get it. I just feel like an absolute mess right now.