It is that time again. It is time for another heart surgery.
There have been plenty of things that I have used to purposefully hold myself
back. I have been so fearful of letting go of the person that I am for fear
that people might not accept who I am. I guess because I have been able to hide
my heart behind this magical act that I have no feelings and that I am tough so
don’t mess with me! It has been a subconscious defense mechanism. Before anyone
could even have a chance to hurt me I am surrounded by layers and layers of
walls that have snipers at every square inch armed and ready to shoot down any intruder.
But it is all simply an act. When you look at the other side of the wall you
will see that they are all just cut out stage props. The only thing is most
people get so turned off by the sight of the armed walls that they never see
that it is all just a set up.
So now
what? Where can I possibly go from here? To tear these false images down that
have built a sense of security for so many years is one of the most terrifying
and vulnerable things that we can do. Or at least it is for me. I am terrified
to show the world who I am. It doesn’t help that ideas such as “not everyone
deserves to know all of you” have been planted in me from such an early age.
Not to mention all of the observed behavior of people not showing all of themselves
to all of those that surrounded them. There is still a fear that taking this
step would be loosing who I am. I just am not so sure of whom I will be if I
let go of this tough image. I felt like I have always had to be strong, yet I
don’t know how to be soft and strong at the same time. It seems like a major
contradiction.
Although,
this weekend during our school retreat among the many things the Lord did in me
and said to me one of the greatest things that He told me was concerning my
personality. I have begun to understand that I was created in God’s image as
far my heart, but what I had not put together was that God put together my
personality. This weekend during one of the speakers the Lord began to show me
first of all that he has specifically put together my personality. Then as they
were talking about how when we press into the Lord then community just falls
into place, well I believe the same is true for our personalities. As I have
struggled with these past two weeks of understanding how to get reconnected on
campus I have been looking to see what was wrong with me or with what the Lord
was trying to show me. I think that it has finally hit. If I try to create a
sense of community by trying to be part of the community by my own strength
then I will continue to lose touch and my sense of community will fall apart.
Yet, it is when I press into the Lord and seek after His heart that my own
personality begins to come out because the Lord has made me so essentially the
more I learn about whom He is the more I will learn about myself and ultimately
will develop into my own personality.
It is hard
to know if my tough girl attitude is from the Lord or not because the Lord is
not just one way or the other. Sometimes God is black. Other times he is white.
And yet other times he is gray. There is no real way to know whether this
personality of mine was what God had intended me to become or if my
circumstances gave me the choice to be this tough daughter. What I do know is
that He has been breaking me down an awful lot. I can’t say that my life is
anything like Job’s but sometimes it feels like it is one challenge right after
another.
Lord, I lay
myself down at your feet. Take from me what is not of your original intent for
my personality. Show me what it is that you are trying to do in me, and show me
the vision of where you are trying to take me to. Bring down the props that have
kept people out and remove the fear of being hurt. Help me to understand that
at the end of the day you are all that matters, and that if other people are
not willing to accept me that is not for me to fret about because I am a
daughter of the King most high and I am not to settle or change for anyone
other than you. Don’t let me settle for anything less than you and your love.
Thank you Jesus for your unconditional love that can come from no one else but
you. Continue to lead me on your path Jesus.
I pray all of this in Jesus Name.
Amen.
