Just now as I was beginning to make lunch in the college dorm high end microwave I was stopped by a girl named Kipcia who is in my quad. Now I don't really know Kipcia all that well, but she told me something interesting. She said since the other day when she saw me crying (I think it was during our worship and prayer chapel) that she has been wanting to tell me that I am a leader, that she sees that God is using me and amongst other girls I stand out in that. I didn't know what to think.I thanked her for what she said, but for some reason it is hard for it to sink in fully. This is what she sees? Because I see someone who needs to be led right now. This semester has been full of such brokenness and pain that I can't see how anyone else would see a leader amongst all this mess.
This semester I believe has been all about God breaking me. I've been more tired and more weak than I ever have, but in the midst of being broken I keep trying to make myself stronger. Now I know that it is not the biblical approach, but emotionally that's all I know. It's as if God is tearing down walls, but in order to remain protected I build new ones at the same time. The only thing is God remains at a constant pace and I am growing tired of trying to beat him. This past month or so has been one of the most draining and emotionally disconnected times I have ever been through. I don't know what to think or feel sometimes, and my sensitivity has sky rocketed. It was hard for things to bother me before, but now it is as if this thick sheet has been removed from my eyes and I am beginning to see actions the way they really always were. It is almost if I was partially blind and things appeared differently, but now with a new pair of glasses I am beginning to see the truth to a lot of things. Let me tell you sometimes the truth is more painful than a distorted image.
It is hard to take in positive news when you are in a low place because sometimes you just want to stay there, but what Kipcia told me was very encouraging and went along with what other people have tried telling me this semester as well. I don't know if it had something to do with the fact that she barely knows me, but her comment was almost confirming what everyone else has been trying to tell me all along.
