I can't believe here I am more than halfway through my first semester at college.The last time I was in school everyday felt like a year. It seemed like I would push with all my strength, but I could not budge time. Now I am desperately trying to hold on to the little time I have left. I have about 2 1/2 weeks til thanksgiving, then we get back have two weeks and then its finals week. What? This is so crazy! There have been so many changes and blessings that have happened.
On Halloween I celebrated 1 year since God began to break me, and in the past I would not like to make a big deal of anything because there have been enough incidents where people just don't show support. The night before I told my friend Danni that I wanted to celebrate it by going to dinner or dessert depending if we went trick or treating or not. As we went back into the quad I told the girls, and everyone was determined to help me celebrate that mile stone. The next day there were 12 people who came out to support me in this emotional day. We went to Red Robbin and then to Downtown Disney. It was simple, yet so much fun. I was able to take this day that could be a day of shame, and turn it into a day of rejoicing with the help of some amazing friends.
Then on Thursday another incredible moment happened. I know I previously wrote about being baptized in the Holy Spirit, but I honestly don't know if that's what it was. There is another experience that is called being slain in the Spirit. Now whether that day was just that or another amazing experience I am not sure, but it wasn't until this past Thursday that I was truly baptized. Not to discredit the spiritual experience that I wrote about in the last post, but not being well informed I wasn't sure what had happened. Maybe it was split between both. I went in to meet with Professor Larkin, who is just an amazing man of God. We have been trying to have a conversation on the Holy Spirit and the gifts for almost a month now, but we always had to reschedule. Finally we met and we began by speaking on the different revolutions that I have been having since I have been here, and how most of these students brush off my revolutions since it was what they have always grown up learning. Larkin is such a dad that he began comforting me in the newness of this information, and that what matters is not the excitement of my peers but rather for my own benefit. He then began to explain the Holy Spirit, and most importantly the gift of tongues. As he explained he had such a passion and joy for what he was sharing with me it was amazing. Once he finished he answered questions that I had. Then all at once Larkin looked straight into my eyes and simply asked if I was ready to receive the gift that God was wanting to share with me. Timidly I said yes, and quickly he went over and got his assistant. He explained that we were going to pray for the gift and that I would start. He also explained that I needed to pray with the expectation that I would receive it. I can only explain it now as if God came over me as we were praying. I had received the gift. After Larkin told me that I had just been baptized in the Holy Spirit, as I received my gift. What? I was? That was the only thing that came to mind. I felt different although I couldn't put it into words. I left there feeling different, and since then I feel like I have began to see things differently, such as the way I think and act. Does everything I do say Christ is in me? I have been working though this, and it is something that I am always going to be developing.
This past Sunday at church we had baby dedications at the end of service. As a church we were praying for the babies, and as I was praying I felt God speak to me. He began to tell me that I was to, at some point(relax dad), become a mother. Now I argued back and forth with God because honestly I was terrified. Although I have never been public about it, I have been terrified of being married and having kids for a very long time. Both my parents and grandparents divorced, and I could never repeat that cycle if I never married. As much as I love kids they scare me more than marriage. I never wanted to be held responsible for misguiding them, and knowing my temper and attitude I never thought I would be able to be a parent. As the prayer finished up I couldn't hide fast enough that Danni quickly asked what was wrong. The more I explained what happened the harder I cried. The lady that had sat next to me had gone up during the dedications, as she was walking back to her seat she immediately asked me what was wrong. I explained the situation to her, and in an instant she began to love on me and share her story. She had a truly rough bringing up and was pregnant at 19. Everyone had told her that she should abort the baby. This lady has now been married for 36 years with 3 children, 3 grandchildren with another on the way. In everything she shared with me the strongest thing that has stuck was when she told me, " don't throw in the towel because of other people's mistakes. God knows the desires of your heart and will bring the right man along that together you will build a home. If it is God's will you just have to be patient, and don't be afraid of the past." Boy did it hit me hard. She went on talking about characteristics that she saw in me. I was blown away. If God wasn't doing wonders with what she was saying, the worship team began to sing "How He Loves Me" which has been a significant song for me this semester.
There has been so much change, pain and growth in just a couple of months I can barely take it in. This semester has truly been about digging in deep and cleaning out all the pain, doubt and fear that has kept me in bondage for years now. This year is truly going to be an amazing year.
