OK so we just finished the half way point of the semester!!! I cannot believe that I am almost done with my first semester!! How crazy is that? I feel like just last week I was applying to LIFE and now I am almost done with my first semester. SO much has happened, and so much more is still happening. For one I am learning how to manage time. Now I didn't say that I am great at it yet, but I am working on it. God has been doing some serious work in me these past few weeks. He's taken this very broken girl, and seen how committed she is. He's shifting and molding me. He's getting rid of all the bad to make her a new, but in order to make something like new there is a lot of dirt that has to be dealt with. Yesterday my counselor wanted to be able to understand the events of my life in order, so what better way than with post its.She had me tell my story from the day I was born until now. I could not believe some of the things that I remembered. There were things that I had not thought about since they happened, and things I felt I could never forget. It brought so many feelings that I could not make sense of them all. She then asked me how do I normally deal with pain. What? There is a way to deal with it? Don't you just keep living your life til you get over it or forget? I know that next week is going to open a whole new box of emotions in itself, but that is what I am getting at. I am healing. For the first time I am learning to actually go through and let go of some of the pain forever. I know that until I become whole I cannot have the same kind of impact on people in my ministry. We all can point out people who are fake and are trying to sell us on things that they wouldn't even by, but in ministry we have to be 100% into God and all His promises. I wish I could say that I am there or even almost there, but the truth is that I am not, but that is what I am working on. This is what I am striving for.
(little side note I got asked to social[our dance] this week pretty excited=)
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Baptized
I have thought about writing this passage all day. After so much thought I have decided to write it down for no other reason than I never want to forget what has happened in this past 24 hours.
I got a job as a tutor last week. Yesterday there was a bit of miscommunication we could say, and the frustration took me over. Letting my frustration and anger dwell in me I allowed myself to become vulnerable. Within minutes I was attacked. This little frustration quickly became a huge overwhelming anger. It was not even an anger that was from the situation. I wanted to do everything against what I have become. I wanted to run, and I was ready. I finally had to make my way back on campus. Since I went on a tangent I had missed dinner and had to make microwavable food. As i was stomping back and forth from my room to check on it I ran into one of the girls on my floor. She is a very loving girl and we always hug. Well she went to hug me and I just broke in her arms. How could my mind be so far away from God? As I broke down some of the girls from the floor circled me and prayed over me. They assured me that it was not me, but merely the enemy. Although I was more relaxed I was not completely better yet. We left for a while to have some fellowship time and karaoke with some people from school, and it allowed me to forget all that had happened.
As we were gone my quadmate received an unusual text. Her door had been shaking like crazy and no one was in the room. What? Now some background on why this was worse than it would be just alone. Last week she was unable to sleep because a presence was in the room as she slept, and after praying over that her door is shaking on its own? We got back and prayed over the room and the girls that have to sleep there. As we finished another girl told me that mine had been doing the same. Shoot! I was so scared I wanted to cry. I couldn't even open the door, and they assured me that it was probably just the window left open. We prayed over the room then entered. It felt like a draft was coming in. The windows were closed. I can not explain what kind of fear filled me at that moment. I tried calming down and went to go shower, while i was in the shower I was tormented with images of me being taken over by the enemy. I then heard the name of my RA ringing in my ear. As soon as I was done I ran to her room and asked her to pray over me. We then went to pray over both room and anoint it with oil. I felt so much peace at that moment, but that was two attacks in one day.
Today during my first two classes I thought of how I had yet to be baptized in the Holy Spirit. During chapel we had a famous foursquare speaker, Leslie Kiegal(hope that's how you spell his name), come in and speak on the Holy Spirit. Well this isn't just accidental now is it? As he spoke I just burned for the opportunity to be baptized. Then it came, and he asked those who were ready to come forward. I stood at the front, but I felt like I should be on my knees. I didn't listen. My breathing picked up and there was a burning that was taking over me, as tears streamed down my face. It was getting harder and harder to breath and I felt the strength leaving my body. As Leslie was approaching I felt someone put their hands on my back, and the moment Leslie touched my forehead I dropped to the ground. I had lost all control of my body. I could not stay upright or even lift myself up. I just sat there with my head on the ground barely able to breath, and sobbing uncontrollably. All I could do was praise! My God was there and He had filled me in a way I couldn't imagine. I can't tell you how long it was before I was able to regain strength just enough to sit up, but I was at God's disposal and He knew I needed time to take it all in. When I finally regained strength Danni, my other half, came over and hugged me. She held me as I cried, and then I held her as she cried. We sat there and worshiped for some time longer. During this mini season an ever present song has been "From the Inside Out" by Hillsong, and today it truly applied. This was the beginning of the Lord completely taking me from the inside out. It is now that with authority I take on my role as a disciple of Christ. Though I know with every forward step I take the enemy will try and hit me that much harder, but there is a beauty to this. The enemy can get as close as he wants, but he can never touch me.
Where the Holy Spirit lives, evil cannot reside.
I got a job as a tutor last week. Yesterday there was a bit of miscommunication we could say, and the frustration took me over. Letting my frustration and anger dwell in me I allowed myself to become vulnerable. Within minutes I was attacked. This little frustration quickly became a huge overwhelming anger. It was not even an anger that was from the situation. I wanted to do everything against what I have become. I wanted to run, and I was ready. I finally had to make my way back on campus. Since I went on a tangent I had missed dinner and had to make microwavable food. As i was stomping back and forth from my room to check on it I ran into one of the girls on my floor. She is a very loving girl and we always hug. Well she went to hug me and I just broke in her arms. How could my mind be so far away from God? As I broke down some of the girls from the floor circled me and prayed over me. They assured me that it was not me, but merely the enemy. Although I was more relaxed I was not completely better yet. We left for a while to have some fellowship time and karaoke with some people from school, and it allowed me to forget all that had happened.
As we were gone my quadmate received an unusual text. Her door had been shaking like crazy and no one was in the room. What? Now some background on why this was worse than it would be just alone. Last week she was unable to sleep because a presence was in the room as she slept, and after praying over that her door is shaking on its own? We got back and prayed over the room and the girls that have to sleep there. As we finished another girl told me that mine had been doing the same. Shoot! I was so scared I wanted to cry. I couldn't even open the door, and they assured me that it was probably just the window left open. We prayed over the room then entered. It felt like a draft was coming in. The windows were closed. I can not explain what kind of fear filled me at that moment. I tried calming down and went to go shower, while i was in the shower I was tormented with images of me being taken over by the enemy. I then heard the name of my RA ringing in my ear. As soon as I was done I ran to her room and asked her to pray over me. We then went to pray over both room and anoint it with oil. I felt so much peace at that moment, but that was two attacks in one day.
Today during my first two classes I thought of how I had yet to be baptized in the Holy Spirit. During chapel we had a famous foursquare speaker, Leslie Kiegal(hope that's how you spell his name), come in and speak on the Holy Spirit. Well this isn't just accidental now is it? As he spoke I just burned for the opportunity to be baptized. Then it came, and he asked those who were ready to come forward. I stood at the front, but I felt like I should be on my knees. I didn't listen. My breathing picked up and there was a burning that was taking over me, as tears streamed down my face. It was getting harder and harder to breath and I felt the strength leaving my body. As Leslie was approaching I felt someone put their hands on my back, and the moment Leslie touched my forehead I dropped to the ground. I had lost all control of my body. I could not stay upright or even lift myself up. I just sat there with my head on the ground barely able to breath, and sobbing uncontrollably. All I could do was praise! My God was there and He had filled me in a way I couldn't imagine. I can't tell you how long it was before I was able to regain strength just enough to sit up, but I was at God's disposal and He knew I needed time to take it all in. When I finally regained strength Danni, my other half, came over and hugged me. She held me as I cried, and then I held her as she cried. We sat there and worshiped for some time longer. During this mini season an ever present song has been "From the Inside Out" by Hillsong, and today it truly applied. This was the beginning of the Lord completely taking me from the inside out. It is now that with authority I take on my role as a disciple of Christ. Though I know with every forward step I take the enemy will try and hit me that much harder, but there is a beauty to this. The enemy can get as close as he wants, but he can never touch me.
Where the Holy Spirit lives, evil cannot reside.
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